Bishopric. According to The Daily Telegraph a minister who left his wife and children and took up with a lover "emerged yesterday as the favourite to become . . . bishop" of the Diocese of New Hampshire. This would normally be outrageous, but I guess in this instance it's okay since the Rev. Gene Robinson, 55, is openly gay and his lover is his male partner.
Reading the materials on the five candidates, it actually appears that Robinson might be the theological moderate of the group -- the group is all very far left of center, without a doubt. Also, I should note that Rev. Ruth Lawson Kirk is exceptionally beautiful -- I'm going to be "lookist" (or anti-lookist, I guess), but I don't think a Bishop should be so beautiful.
Tuesday, April 08, 2003
Cross Burning. So what happened? Who won? Who lost?
I characterized the decision as striking "down a Virginia law which declared the burning of a cross a crime." Yet, the Washington Times reports "Court upholds Virginia's ban on cross burning." Both are wrong, both are right. The WaPo headline writer has it closer to what happened: "State Bans on Cross Burning Upheld; High Court Affirms Parts of Va. Law but Strikes Down Others"
As I indicated below, I agree with Justice Thomas on this one -- he cast his vote as a dissent, meaning he lost. He would've affirmed the lower courts convictions as would I. Accordingly it's a loss for Virginia law and for a Virginia Law.
The best simple explanation of the Court's decision is by Eugene Volokh here but the best overall explanation is here by Howard Bashman.
A big winner has to be Kyle Still who predicted here the outcome and the rationale.
I characterized the decision as striking "down a Virginia law which declared the burning of a cross a crime." Yet, the Washington Times reports "Court upholds Virginia's ban on cross burning." Both are wrong, both are right. The WaPo headline writer has it closer to what happened: "State Bans on Cross Burning Upheld; High Court Affirms Parts of Va. Law but Strikes Down Others"
As I indicated below, I agree with Justice Thomas on this one -- he cast his vote as a dissent, meaning he lost. He would've affirmed the lower courts convictions as would I. Accordingly it's a loss for Virginia law and for a Virginia Law.
The best simple explanation of the Court's decision is by Eugene Volokh here but the best overall explanation is here by Howard Bashman.
A big winner has to be Kyle Still who predicted here the outcome and the rationale.
Art News. According to London Newspapers Cornelia Parker's reworking of Auguste Rodin's The Kiss was "vandalized" last weekend. To refresh your recollection, Ms. Parker wrapped the original sculpture in a mile long length of string and called this her work of art. (Picture at right)
Personally, I think Parker committed the act of vandalism and the man who cut the string is nothing more than a perfomance artist. Call it The Liberation of The Kiss. It's too bad the folks in England missed this performance and are, instead acting in a truly fascist fashion.
I guess it depends on who's ox is gored.
More. It appears that the fascists in England have undone this brilliant performance art -- vandals!
War Jokes. I think one of the better ways to remember the events surrounding this war might be through Jay Leno's monologues. Accordingly, here are some of his lines, in chronological order.
Monday Night March 24
Last night I thought I was watching the war coverage and I see this convoy of 100 Humvees coming down the street and then I realize, it’s just celebrities going to the Oscars.
A very dramatic moment last night when documentary film producer Michael Moore stunned Hollywood and the world when he wore a suit. I didn’t know he had a suit!
Do you know about this? When you get an Oscar, I believe you have to give it back so they can inscribe your name on it. They give it to you, then they take it back and then they return it to you. At least that’s what they told Michael Moore.
You think right about now Saddam Hussein is suffering from Iraqtile dysfunction? His army is not performing. Very serious problem in Iraq.
The good news – not only do we have the Iraqis on the run, but late today, two of the Dixie Chicks surrendered.
Tuesday Night March 25
Iraqi TV has managed to stay on the air despite having virtually no resources left and no programs to put on. Kind of like ABC.
A fierce sandstorm hit Iraq today. Visibility was reduced to less than 50 feet. Or, as we call that in L.A., "Clear skies."
A new category was introduced at the Oscars this year: Best Non-supporting Director. It went to Michael Moore.
As you know, Michael, who won an Oscar for best documentary, then made some anti-war statements during his acceptance speech and got booed. He was really mad when he was giving that speech. I haven't seen him that angry since he was charged for two seats on a Southwest airplane flight.
In London, you know who's launching a music career? Osama bin Laden's niece. I guess the Dixie Chicks have an opening act now.
Wednesday Night March 26
President Bush is asking Congress for $75 billion to fight the war – and that’s just for gas money.
There are now reports that Saddam Hussein was injured in the initial U.S. bombing and he’s now receiving medical care in an underground bunker. In fact, he asked his doctors if he was going to live and they told him, "Oh yeah, absolutely, you’ll live – until the Americans get here ... then you’re screwed!"
The man who built Saddam Hussein’s bunker, I think he’s German, said today that it’s impossible to destroy. Well, of course the builder is going to say that. All contractors say that. "This bunker will withstand anything. And once we get some aluminum siding ... that patio deck will last the rest of your life."
Have you noticed lately there are a lot of retired military officers giving their analysis on all the TV shows? The bigger the network, the bigger the analyst. Like NBC news has General Norman Schwarzkopf, CBS has General Terry Smith. I feel bad for some of the smaller stations like Channel 11 here in L.A. they have Colonel Clink.
The Food Channel has Cap’n Crunch and Colonel Sanders.
In Baghdad, they don’t even need TV. They just look out the window. It’s like CNN 3-D.
Well, let’s see what’s happening with Michael Moore. Or, as he’s also known – the 4th Dixie Chick.
Today Michael Moore made another impassioned anti-war speech – he went on and on. Then finally the woman at the McDonald’s drive-thru took the mic back and said, "You want your Big Mac combo or not? Make up your mind!"
Thursday Night March 27
Today President Bush said we would stay in Iraq for as long as it takes. It’s the same policy he had in high school.
Bush has promised to rebuild Iraq after he’s done destroying the country. Now, if we could just get Governor Gray Davis to promise to rebuild California after he’s done destroying it, that would be terrific!
Friday Night March 28
Let’s see what the latest on the war is. They say the U.S. military has been bombing Iraqi positions in south central Baghdad. Boy, you thought things were rough in south central L.A.! What the hell is south central Baghdad like? That’s a tough neighborhood.
Today stealth bombers dropped two of those huge satellite-guided bunker buster bombs – 4,700 pounds each. They were called Anna and Nicole.
President Bush said today the war is not about timetables. It’s about winning. Hey, it worked in Florida.
You know what’s amazing? People are complaining the war is taking too long. "The war effort is taking too long.” It’s a week! That’s what I love about our country. It’s okay for "American Idol” to take 10 weeks to pick a bad singer, but the war: "Hey, hey, come on!”
Here’s kind of a weird story. Way back in 1980, Saddam Hussein was given a key to the city of Detroit. Did you know that? A dignitary from Detroit traveled to Iraq and as a goodwill gesture he gave Saddam Hussein the key to the city. Of course, Saddam never actually went to Detroit. Way too dangerous. He wouldn’t do that.
Monday Night March 31
Thank you for coming out on such a warm day. Ninety degrees here in Los Angeles. People were sweating like Donald Rumsfeld trying to explain his battle plan.
Our American troops say one of the biggest problems in Iraq is trying to tell whose side some people are on. Yeah, like Peter Arnett and Geraldo Rivera.
Did you hear about this? Today NBC fired pinhead Peter Arnett. He gave an interview on Iraqi television criticizing the U.S. military and saying our battle plan was all wrong. The good news is, after he said that, today he was given an honorary Oscar.
He gave the interview on Iraq TV’s top morning show, which is hosted by Saddam’s son. It’s called "Good Day, Uday"!
I don’t think NBC should have fired Peter Arnett. To teach him a lesson they should’ve made him cover arena football.
It’s amazing, isn’t it? We have smart bombs and dumb reporters.
This week Donald Rumsfeld issued stern warnings to Iranians and Syrian people telling them not to cross the border into Iraq. We’ll be watching, don’t try to cross the border. Good luck, we can’t stop them from crossing the border in Tijuana.
On Friday, the United States bombed Saddam Hussein’s personal luxury yacht. That’s when you know Republicans are out to get you, when they blow up your yacht. There is no meaner crime!
The U.N. has decided to restart the oil for food program with Iraq. You know what you get when you combine heavy crude oil and food? Kentucky fried chicken.
Here’s a little-known fact: Do you know that in 1980 Saddam Hussein was given the key to the city by Detroit? Isn’t that amazing? The more we bomb Baghdad, the more it starts to look like Detroit.
Tuesday Night April 1
Today is April Fool's Day, the day we traditionally honor the French.
Today Dick Cheney walked into George Bush’s office, walked into the Oval Office, and said, "You want to run things for a while?” Bush said "sure” and Cheney went "April Fool's!”
The latest reports from Baghdad are saying that Saddam Hussein has been taking a lot of vitamins. B-1s, B-17s, B-52s ...
On Saturday a British ship arrived with food and medical supplies. Well sure, anytime you’re eating British food you’re gonna need medical supplies.
Wednesday Night April 2
Here’s some good news – things seem to be going a little better in the war effort. It was reported today Americans now control 40 percent of Iraq, which is pretty amazing when you consider Americans don’t even control 40 percent of L.A.
Yesterday Saddam Hussein told his troops that victory is at hand. Americans are on the run and Iraq will win the war. Then he said, "April Fool's!”
And today Saddam Hussein issued his second statement to the Iraqi soldiers. He said, "Run!”
The Pentagon says the Iraqi military is having a tough time trying to figure out where we’re going to attack next - you know, since we pulled Geraldo off the air.
They said today one of the few places left with working phones in Baghdad was the Palestine Hotel. If you’ve never been to Baghdad, the Palestine Hotel is just a stone’s throw from the Israeli Hotel.
On Monday, former President George Bush threw out the first pitch at the Cincinnati Reds game. Now al-Jazeera network is reporting that the ball missed the catcher, killed five Iraqi civilians and destroyed a baby milk factory.
Former NBC correspondent Peter Arnett, with the bad comb-over, was fired by NBC after giving an interview to Iraqi state TV. Even Tom Arnold turned down a pilot for Iraqi television.
Thursday Night April 3
Today U.S. forces attacked Saddam International Airport. How does fighting work at the airport? Do you have to show up two hours early for that?
Do the troops have to check their weapons in the metal detectors?
We had another war-related casualty today. France hit the ground when they tried jumping on our bandwagon.
Saddam Hussein released a statement that says he has no fear of the U.S. Army. Well, of course not – he’s dead!
I saw something sad today. I went by Circuit City and I saw Geraldo standing next to some TVs showing Iraq and he was pretending to be reporting.
Anyone else notice that we really started to win the war after Geraldo left?
And last night our friend Bill O’Reilly defended his Fox co-worker by saying that the information that Geraldo gave out was already known and had been released. Yeah, by Peter Arnett!
Friday Night April 4
Welcome to "The Tonight Show.” I’m Jay Leno’s double. Jay’s in his bunker, 60 feet below the Earth.
I had something strange happen to me yesterday, I’m coming to work, i turn on the radio in the morning, the war is going badly, we weren’t in control, the enemy was escaping and the people of Iraq hated us. Then, I’m driving home, we’re winning every battle, racing toward Baghdad, cheered on by Iraqi people, and then I realized: On the way in I was listening to National Public Radio when I commuted to work. And on the way home, I was listening to Fox News.
The bad news is it looks like Saddam Hussein is still alive. The good news: We still get to kill him.
I thought this was nice – on the video today, Saddam Hussein thanked Peter Arnett for filling in for him. Very nice of him.
I guess our forces seized Saddam international airport. Troops got in in less than three hours. Three hours?! That’s better than LAX.
By the weekend, it looks like Baghdad is about to fall, and we will soon control the entire city. So you know what that means? Sell the electric cars, get an SUV, Lincoln navigators for everybody. Free gas!
The electricity is out in Baghdad. So apparently they must have PG&E there too.
You know where Saddam Hussein’s palace is? It’s located on Saddam Hussein Boulevard right next to the Saddam Hussein soccer field, which is next to the Saddam Hussein airport. This guy names everything after himself; he’s like Donald trump with better hair.
Donald Rumsfeld now admits the war plan has taken a little longer than expected. He said, for one thing, they wanted to throw Geraldo out in the first week.
Monday Night April 7
As you know we all lost an hour over the weekend, which is nothing compared to Saddam Hussein. He lost an airport, a couple of cities, a few tanks…
As you know our forces have taken Saddam Hussein International Airport and renamed it Baghdad International Airport. Is the right name? Shouldn’t we have called it something more appropriate like the no thanks to France or Germany International Airport?
Even though the airport has only been under U.S. control for a couple days you can already see the American influence: all the airlines are broke, the food sucks, the luggage is lost, and all the pilots are drunk already!
Since we now control it, it’s now the only airport in the world where the cab drivers actually speak English.
Not going too good for Saddam Hussein. He was on TV yesterday, and tomorrow I understand he’s going to be on an episode of "Crossing Over”.
Over the weekend U.S. troops found a huge cache of weapons at a high school in Baghdad. You know what that means. Their high school students are just like our high school students.
What do the Iraqi Republican Guard and the Los Angeles Clippers have in common. Neither one will be around for the playoffs.
The Pentagon said today Geraldo Rivera can go back into Iraq. Apparently we must be running out of people to shoot at.
Tuesday Night April 8
Over the weekend I thought I was watching war footage. A bunch of men in uniform were waving white flags and surrendering - it was the Detroit Tigers.
It doesn’t look good for Saddam and his sons. Yesterday we bombed the Baghdad restaurant where they were eating. In fact, today I went on the Internet and they were selling pieces of Uday and Qusay on eBay!
The military said we’ll be able to confirm Saddam is dead through DNA testing. We actually have a sample of his DNA. Isn’t that amazing? So apparently Monica Lewinsky is working for the CIA now.
Coalition forces may have a dozen 55-gallon drums containing chemical weapons. The information minister said: "Those are not chemical weapons. Those are peaches in light syrup."
According to the L.A. Times, the United States post office chartered two cargo jets to deliver mail to our troops in the war zone. Boy, if the Iraqis think our military is heavily armed, wait till they see our postal workers!
I’ve been watching our friend Ted Koppel, he’s covering the war in Iraq. He does a great job. Terrific reporter, Ted Koppel, but here’s my question: With that hair, does he really need the helmet?
Wednesday Night April 9
Did you see the Iraqi people dancing in the streets today? It made me realize, you know what they need more than food and medicine? Dancing lessons. They don’t know how to dance. They haven’t danced in 30 years.
Tonight President Bush warned, don’t be too gleeful, there are still pockets of resistance. Barbra Streisand, the Dixie Chicks, Susan Sarandon …
Of course the other big news: We don’t know if Saddam Hussein is dead, or just not dead yet.
Reports are coming in now that Saddam Hussein has been spotted in central Baghdad. Parts of him were also spotted in northern Baghdad, western Baghdad and eastern Baghdad.
You know that story by now. The U.S. military bombed a restaurant where they thought Saddam Hussein was eating. Well, actually, the military heard it was either Saddam Hussein or Geraldo. So they figured either way they’d make their move.
They dropped four 2,000-pound bombs on the place. Actually, we may have killed two birds with one stone. It turns out it was also karaoke night.
We have now captured all of Saddam Hussein’s palaces and residences; he has no place to live! If he thinks Bush was hard on him before, wait till Saddam sees how Republicans treat the homeless!
Some Iraqis are looting the presidential palaces, taking stationary, ashtrays, pillows, even a grand piano. Reporters say they haven’t seen looting like this since Clinton’s last days in the white house.
Thursday Night April 10
How many have filed their taxes already? You know, President Bush still hasn’t filed his taxes. Not because he’s been too busy. He’s just waiting to see if he can write off Saddam Hussein as a total loss.
In the paper today, they said there’s going to be a big meeting this week to discuss postwar Iraq with the leaders of France, Germany and Russia. Or, as they’re also known, the "axis of envy."
It’s very exciting watching this footage from Baghdad, isn’t it? You know, to see Saddam Hussein kicked out of office, driven from office … it’s the same feeling people had when Kathie lee got knocked off Regis.
Of course, people are looking for clues if Saddam Hussein is alive or not. He hasn’t appeared on TV now in a number of days. Of course, for celebrities here in Hollywood, that’s a fate worse than death. Jesse Jackson is going, "Not on TV for three days … he must be dead!”
Did you see the Iraqi people tear down that statue of Saddam? Hard to believe he won 100 percent of the vote in the last election. Voters are so fickle, aren’t they? One day they love you, the next day, oh boy ...
Kev, you know the last thing that Saddam said to his sons? "I told you we should have used the drive-thru.”
Friday Night April 11
Before we get started, I’d like to welcome all the Iraqi people who are watching the show on brand new TV sets they just stole.
We’ve entered a new phase of the war: We’ve gone from "shock and awe" to "loot and scoot."
As you know, a tremendous amount of looting is going on in Iraq right now. Believe me, that’s nothing – wait till the oil companies get there.
People are stealing everything. After they knocked down the giant statue of Saddam Hussein, they showed that one guy hauling away the giant broken head. What are you going to do with that? That’s so typical of a guy. Guys will take anything that’s free and think, "Hey, this will go great in the house!” You could offer a guy a Rembrandt for 200 bucks, they’re going, "Where would I put it? It doesn’t go with anything in the house.” You give the guy a free giant broken Saddam head for free and they’re thinking, "I can put a beer on it, it looks great.”
Here’s something I thought was really nice – President Bush saw to it today that all the celebrating Iraqis were all given absentee ballots for the next presidential election in Florida.
U.N. Secretary-General Annan said today he thinks the arms inspectors should resume looking for weapons in Iraq. Forget looking for arms in Iraq – how about looking for are backbones in the U.N.?
Monday Night April 14
This is like holy week, isn’t it? We had Palm Sunday, it’s also Passover, this week is also Easter. You know, between the rescue of our POWs and the Tigers winning a game – this is truly the week of miracles.
I had a pretty good day today. I bought four chairs and a table on eBay from some guy in Baghdad – 12 bucks. Beautiful dinette set, fabulous!
Today President Bush announced that all this time he’s been misprouncing the word "Iraq." He said it’s actually pronounced "Syria."
The leaders of Russia, France and Germany – or, as I call them, the "axis of envy” – gathered for a summit on what their part in the rebuilding of Iraq should be. You know something? I think France should participate in rebuilding Iraq. When it comes to having experience about what to do after losing a war, nobody does it better than the French.
The Canadian prime minister has ordered the Canadian navy not to capture any of Saddam’s henchmen if they try to flee Iraq by sea. The Pentagon is stunned by this. They had no idea Canada had a navy.
Today President Bush said that Slovakia has already offered its help in demining Iraq. Listen to this: Exxon and Mobil have offered their help in de-oiling Iraq.
Tuesday Night April 15
Today was tax day, of course, the one day every American wishes they were an illegal alien.
Technically, you’re not paying taxes. According to the Bush administration, your bank account is being liberated.
Let’s see what’s happening in Iraq - or, as the pentagon is now calling it, Gateway to Syria.
Whoever is in charge of rebuilding Iraq, here’s what they should do – put all the furniture into the rooms first. Then make all the doorways smaller than the average couch. This way, next time the looters won’t be able to get the stuff out.
For the first weeks of the war the ratings at cable news stations were way up. But they’ve fallen in the past couple of weeks. You know why? Most of those early viewers were Iraqi soldiers tuning in to Geraldo to find out where the Marines were.
CNN reports that when they broke into Uday Hussein’s palace they found pornography, Cuban cigars and pictures of President Bush’s twin daughters. I’m sorry – that was Bill Clinton’s apartment.
Wednesday Night April 16
Well it’s looks like the war is over. That’s a good sign. According to the latest poll just out today, 71% of the American people approve of president bush. Bush is very, very happy. Of course he’s happy. It only took 49% of the vote to win the election. This gives him a tremendous cushion.
Now that the war in Iraq is over, a lot of people want President Bush to focus on economy. You know who really wants Bush to focus on the economy? Syria.
I tell you something, a lot of people are afraid we are going to go to war with Syria. But you have to understand, Syria is not Iraq. It is less dangerous, it’s less of an enemy, it has less of an army, and it has less oil.
American officials have accused Syria of possessing chemical weapons. And today Hans Blix, U.N. weapons inspector offered to spend the next three months not finding any of their chemicals weapons too.
Today the Iraqis sat down for talks on how to put together a post war government. They would have sat down yesterday, but somebody stole all the couches. They had to stand around and mingle really.
Now there are reports from Baghdad that officials are taking bribes for favors, giving jobs to their relatives, taking money under that table for contractors. You know what that means? This war is less than a month old, already they have an American style democracy.
I guess you know all of Iraq’s oil fields are under U.S. control. Which is kind of ironic since all the gas stations here are run by Middle Easterners.
Today the homeland security code was lowered except here in Los Angeles where it was raised to code red. Nothing to do with the Middle East, just Rodney King out driving again.
Our old friend Rodney King was driving 100 mph the other night in his SUV, hit a telephone pole, bounced off a tree, smashed through a fence, slammed into a house. Nice to see after all these years Rodney’s still got it. Hasn’t lost his touch.
Monday Night March 24
Last night I thought I was watching the war coverage and I see this convoy of 100 Humvees coming down the street and then I realize, it’s just celebrities going to the Oscars.
A very dramatic moment last night when documentary film producer Michael Moore stunned Hollywood and the world when he wore a suit. I didn’t know he had a suit!
Do you know about this? When you get an Oscar, I believe you have to give it back so they can inscribe your name on it. They give it to you, then they take it back and then they return it to you. At least that’s what they told Michael Moore.
You think right about now Saddam Hussein is suffering from Iraqtile dysfunction? His army is not performing. Very serious problem in Iraq.
The good news – not only do we have the Iraqis on the run, but late today, two of the Dixie Chicks surrendered.
Tuesday Night March 25
Iraqi TV has managed to stay on the air despite having virtually no resources left and no programs to put on. Kind of like ABC.
A fierce sandstorm hit Iraq today. Visibility was reduced to less than 50 feet. Or, as we call that in L.A., "Clear skies."
A new category was introduced at the Oscars this year: Best Non-supporting Director. It went to Michael Moore.
As you know, Michael, who won an Oscar for best documentary, then made some anti-war statements during his acceptance speech and got booed. He was really mad when he was giving that speech. I haven't seen him that angry since he was charged for two seats on a Southwest airplane flight.
In London, you know who's launching a music career? Osama bin Laden's niece. I guess the Dixie Chicks have an opening act now.
Wednesday Night March 26
President Bush is asking Congress for $75 billion to fight the war – and that’s just for gas money.
There are now reports that Saddam Hussein was injured in the initial U.S. bombing and he’s now receiving medical care in an underground bunker. In fact, he asked his doctors if he was going to live and they told him, "Oh yeah, absolutely, you’ll live – until the Americans get here ... then you’re screwed!"
The man who built Saddam Hussein’s bunker, I think he’s German, said today that it’s impossible to destroy. Well, of course the builder is going to say that. All contractors say that. "This bunker will withstand anything. And once we get some aluminum siding ... that patio deck will last the rest of your life."
Have you noticed lately there are a lot of retired military officers giving their analysis on all the TV shows? The bigger the network, the bigger the analyst. Like NBC news has General Norman Schwarzkopf, CBS has General Terry Smith. I feel bad for some of the smaller stations like Channel 11 here in L.A. they have Colonel Clink.
The Food Channel has Cap’n Crunch and Colonel Sanders.
In Baghdad, they don’t even need TV. They just look out the window. It’s like CNN 3-D.
Well, let’s see what’s happening with Michael Moore. Or, as he’s also known – the 4th Dixie Chick.
Today Michael Moore made another impassioned anti-war speech – he went on and on. Then finally the woman at the McDonald’s drive-thru took the mic back and said, "You want your Big Mac combo or not? Make up your mind!"
Thursday Night March 27
Today President Bush said we would stay in Iraq for as long as it takes. It’s the same policy he had in high school.
Bush has promised to rebuild Iraq after he’s done destroying the country. Now, if we could just get Governor Gray Davis to promise to rebuild California after he’s done destroying it, that would be terrific!
Friday Night March 28
Let’s see what the latest on the war is. They say the U.S. military has been bombing Iraqi positions in south central Baghdad. Boy, you thought things were rough in south central L.A.! What the hell is south central Baghdad like? That’s a tough neighborhood.
Today stealth bombers dropped two of those huge satellite-guided bunker buster bombs – 4,700 pounds each. They were called Anna and Nicole.
President Bush said today the war is not about timetables. It’s about winning. Hey, it worked in Florida.
You know what’s amazing? People are complaining the war is taking too long. "The war effort is taking too long.” It’s a week! That’s what I love about our country. It’s okay for "American Idol” to take 10 weeks to pick a bad singer, but the war: "Hey, hey, come on!”
Here’s kind of a weird story. Way back in 1980, Saddam Hussein was given a key to the city of Detroit. Did you know that? A dignitary from Detroit traveled to Iraq and as a goodwill gesture he gave Saddam Hussein the key to the city. Of course, Saddam never actually went to Detroit. Way too dangerous. He wouldn’t do that.
Monday Night March 31
Thank you for coming out on such a warm day. Ninety degrees here in Los Angeles. People were sweating like Donald Rumsfeld trying to explain his battle plan.
Our American troops say one of the biggest problems in Iraq is trying to tell whose side some people are on. Yeah, like Peter Arnett and Geraldo Rivera.
Did you hear about this? Today NBC fired pinhead Peter Arnett. He gave an interview on Iraqi television criticizing the U.S. military and saying our battle plan was all wrong. The good news is, after he said that, today he was given an honorary Oscar.
He gave the interview on Iraq TV’s top morning show, which is hosted by Saddam’s son. It’s called "Good Day, Uday"!
I don’t think NBC should have fired Peter Arnett. To teach him a lesson they should’ve made him cover arena football.
It’s amazing, isn’t it? We have smart bombs and dumb reporters.
This week Donald Rumsfeld issued stern warnings to Iranians and Syrian people telling them not to cross the border into Iraq. We’ll be watching, don’t try to cross the border. Good luck, we can’t stop them from crossing the border in Tijuana.
On Friday, the United States bombed Saddam Hussein’s personal luxury yacht. That’s when you know Republicans are out to get you, when they blow up your yacht. There is no meaner crime!
The U.N. has decided to restart the oil for food program with Iraq. You know what you get when you combine heavy crude oil and food? Kentucky fried chicken.
Here’s a little-known fact: Do you know that in 1980 Saddam Hussein was given the key to the city by Detroit? Isn’t that amazing? The more we bomb Baghdad, the more it starts to look like Detroit.
Tuesday Night April 1
Today is April Fool's Day, the day we traditionally honor the French.
Today Dick Cheney walked into George Bush’s office, walked into the Oval Office, and said, "You want to run things for a while?” Bush said "sure” and Cheney went "April Fool's!”
The latest reports from Baghdad are saying that Saddam Hussein has been taking a lot of vitamins. B-1s, B-17s, B-52s ...
On Saturday a British ship arrived with food and medical supplies. Well sure, anytime you’re eating British food you’re gonna need medical supplies.
Wednesday Night April 2
Here’s some good news – things seem to be going a little better in the war effort. It was reported today Americans now control 40 percent of Iraq, which is pretty amazing when you consider Americans don’t even control 40 percent of L.A.
Yesterday Saddam Hussein told his troops that victory is at hand. Americans are on the run and Iraq will win the war. Then he said, "April Fool's!”
And today Saddam Hussein issued his second statement to the Iraqi soldiers. He said, "Run!”
The Pentagon says the Iraqi military is having a tough time trying to figure out where we’re going to attack next - you know, since we pulled Geraldo off the air.
They said today one of the few places left with working phones in Baghdad was the Palestine Hotel. If you’ve never been to Baghdad, the Palestine Hotel is just a stone’s throw from the Israeli Hotel.
On Monday, former President George Bush threw out the first pitch at the Cincinnati Reds game. Now al-Jazeera network is reporting that the ball missed the catcher, killed five Iraqi civilians and destroyed a baby milk factory.
Former NBC correspondent Peter Arnett, with the bad comb-over, was fired by NBC after giving an interview to Iraqi state TV. Even Tom Arnold turned down a pilot for Iraqi television.
Thursday Night April 3
Today U.S. forces attacked Saddam International Airport. How does fighting work at the airport? Do you have to show up two hours early for that?
Do the troops have to check their weapons in the metal detectors?
We had another war-related casualty today. France hit the ground when they tried jumping on our bandwagon.
Saddam Hussein released a statement that says he has no fear of the U.S. Army. Well, of course not – he’s dead!
I saw something sad today. I went by Circuit City and I saw Geraldo standing next to some TVs showing Iraq and he was pretending to be reporting.
Anyone else notice that we really started to win the war after Geraldo left?
And last night our friend Bill O’Reilly defended his Fox co-worker by saying that the information that Geraldo gave out was already known and had been released. Yeah, by Peter Arnett!
Friday Night April 4
Welcome to "The Tonight Show.” I’m Jay Leno’s double. Jay’s in his bunker, 60 feet below the Earth.
I had something strange happen to me yesterday, I’m coming to work, i turn on the radio in the morning, the war is going badly, we weren’t in control, the enemy was escaping and the people of Iraq hated us. Then, I’m driving home, we’re winning every battle, racing toward Baghdad, cheered on by Iraqi people, and then I realized: On the way in I was listening to National Public Radio when I commuted to work. And on the way home, I was listening to Fox News.
The bad news is it looks like Saddam Hussein is still alive. The good news: We still get to kill him.
I thought this was nice – on the video today, Saddam Hussein thanked Peter Arnett for filling in for him. Very nice of him.
I guess our forces seized Saddam international airport. Troops got in in less than three hours. Three hours?! That’s better than LAX.
By the weekend, it looks like Baghdad is about to fall, and we will soon control the entire city. So you know what that means? Sell the electric cars, get an SUV, Lincoln navigators for everybody. Free gas!
The electricity is out in Baghdad. So apparently they must have PG&E there too.
You know where Saddam Hussein’s palace is? It’s located on Saddam Hussein Boulevard right next to the Saddam Hussein soccer field, which is next to the Saddam Hussein airport. This guy names everything after himself; he’s like Donald trump with better hair.
Donald Rumsfeld now admits the war plan has taken a little longer than expected. He said, for one thing, they wanted to throw Geraldo out in the first week.
Monday Night April 7
As you know we all lost an hour over the weekend, which is nothing compared to Saddam Hussein. He lost an airport, a couple of cities, a few tanks…
As you know our forces have taken Saddam Hussein International Airport and renamed it Baghdad International Airport. Is the right name? Shouldn’t we have called it something more appropriate like the no thanks to France or Germany International Airport?
Even though the airport has only been under U.S. control for a couple days you can already see the American influence: all the airlines are broke, the food sucks, the luggage is lost, and all the pilots are drunk already!
Since we now control it, it’s now the only airport in the world where the cab drivers actually speak English.
Not going too good for Saddam Hussein. He was on TV yesterday, and tomorrow I understand he’s going to be on an episode of "Crossing Over”.
Over the weekend U.S. troops found a huge cache of weapons at a high school in Baghdad. You know what that means. Their high school students are just like our high school students.
What do the Iraqi Republican Guard and the Los Angeles Clippers have in common. Neither one will be around for the playoffs.
The Pentagon said today Geraldo Rivera can go back into Iraq. Apparently we must be running out of people to shoot at.
Tuesday Night April 8
Over the weekend I thought I was watching war footage. A bunch of men in uniform were waving white flags and surrendering - it was the Detroit Tigers.
It doesn’t look good for Saddam and his sons. Yesterday we bombed the Baghdad restaurant where they were eating. In fact, today I went on the Internet and they were selling pieces of Uday and Qusay on eBay!
The military said we’ll be able to confirm Saddam is dead through DNA testing. We actually have a sample of his DNA. Isn’t that amazing? So apparently Monica Lewinsky is working for the CIA now.
Coalition forces may have a dozen 55-gallon drums containing chemical weapons. The information minister said: "Those are not chemical weapons. Those are peaches in light syrup."
According to the L.A. Times, the United States post office chartered two cargo jets to deliver mail to our troops in the war zone. Boy, if the Iraqis think our military is heavily armed, wait till they see our postal workers!
I’ve been watching our friend Ted Koppel, he’s covering the war in Iraq. He does a great job. Terrific reporter, Ted Koppel, but here’s my question: With that hair, does he really need the helmet?
Wednesday Night April 9
Did you see the Iraqi people dancing in the streets today? It made me realize, you know what they need more than food and medicine? Dancing lessons. They don’t know how to dance. They haven’t danced in 30 years.
Tonight President Bush warned, don’t be too gleeful, there are still pockets of resistance. Barbra Streisand, the Dixie Chicks, Susan Sarandon …
Of course the other big news: We don’t know if Saddam Hussein is dead, or just not dead yet.
Reports are coming in now that Saddam Hussein has been spotted in central Baghdad. Parts of him were also spotted in northern Baghdad, western Baghdad and eastern Baghdad.
You know that story by now. The U.S. military bombed a restaurant where they thought Saddam Hussein was eating. Well, actually, the military heard it was either Saddam Hussein or Geraldo. So they figured either way they’d make their move.
They dropped four 2,000-pound bombs on the place. Actually, we may have killed two birds with one stone. It turns out it was also karaoke night.
We have now captured all of Saddam Hussein’s palaces and residences; he has no place to live! If he thinks Bush was hard on him before, wait till Saddam sees how Republicans treat the homeless!
Some Iraqis are looting the presidential palaces, taking stationary, ashtrays, pillows, even a grand piano. Reporters say they haven’t seen looting like this since Clinton’s last days in the white house.
Thursday Night April 10
How many have filed their taxes already? You know, President Bush still hasn’t filed his taxes. Not because he’s been too busy. He’s just waiting to see if he can write off Saddam Hussein as a total loss.
In the paper today, they said there’s going to be a big meeting this week to discuss postwar Iraq with the leaders of France, Germany and Russia. Or, as they’re also known, the "axis of envy."
It’s very exciting watching this footage from Baghdad, isn’t it? You know, to see Saddam Hussein kicked out of office, driven from office … it’s the same feeling people had when Kathie lee got knocked off Regis.
Of course, people are looking for clues if Saddam Hussein is alive or not. He hasn’t appeared on TV now in a number of days. Of course, for celebrities here in Hollywood, that’s a fate worse than death. Jesse Jackson is going, "Not on TV for three days … he must be dead!”
Did you see the Iraqi people tear down that statue of Saddam? Hard to believe he won 100 percent of the vote in the last election. Voters are so fickle, aren’t they? One day they love you, the next day, oh boy ...
Kev, you know the last thing that Saddam said to his sons? "I told you we should have used the drive-thru.”
Friday Night April 11
Before we get started, I’d like to welcome all the Iraqi people who are watching the show on brand new TV sets they just stole.
We’ve entered a new phase of the war: We’ve gone from "shock and awe" to "loot and scoot."
As you know, a tremendous amount of looting is going on in Iraq right now. Believe me, that’s nothing – wait till the oil companies get there.
People are stealing everything. After they knocked down the giant statue of Saddam Hussein, they showed that one guy hauling away the giant broken head. What are you going to do with that? That’s so typical of a guy. Guys will take anything that’s free and think, "Hey, this will go great in the house!” You could offer a guy a Rembrandt for 200 bucks, they’re going, "Where would I put it? It doesn’t go with anything in the house.” You give the guy a free giant broken Saddam head for free and they’re thinking, "I can put a beer on it, it looks great.”
Here’s something I thought was really nice – President Bush saw to it today that all the celebrating Iraqis were all given absentee ballots for the next presidential election in Florida.
U.N. Secretary-General Annan said today he thinks the arms inspectors should resume looking for weapons in Iraq. Forget looking for arms in Iraq – how about looking for are backbones in the U.N.?
Monday Night April 14
This is like holy week, isn’t it? We had Palm Sunday, it’s also Passover, this week is also Easter. You know, between the rescue of our POWs and the Tigers winning a game – this is truly the week of miracles.
I had a pretty good day today. I bought four chairs and a table on eBay from some guy in Baghdad – 12 bucks. Beautiful dinette set, fabulous!
Today President Bush announced that all this time he’s been misprouncing the word "Iraq." He said it’s actually pronounced "Syria."
The leaders of Russia, France and Germany – or, as I call them, the "axis of envy” – gathered for a summit on what their part in the rebuilding of Iraq should be. You know something? I think France should participate in rebuilding Iraq. When it comes to having experience about what to do after losing a war, nobody does it better than the French.
The Canadian prime minister has ordered the Canadian navy not to capture any of Saddam’s henchmen if they try to flee Iraq by sea. The Pentagon is stunned by this. They had no idea Canada had a navy.
Today President Bush said that Slovakia has already offered its help in demining Iraq. Listen to this: Exxon and Mobil have offered their help in de-oiling Iraq.
Tuesday Night April 15
Today was tax day, of course, the one day every American wishes they were an illegal alien.
Technically, you’re not paying taxes. According to the Bush administration, your bank account is being liberated.
Let’s see what’s happening in Iraq - or, as the pentagon is now calling it, Gateway to Syria.
Whoever is in charge of rebuilding Iraq, here’s what they should do – put all the furniture into the rooms first. Then make all the doorways smaller than the average couch. This way, next time the looters won’t be able to get the stuff out.
For the first weeks of the war the ratings at cable news stations were way up. But they’ve fallen in the past couple of weeks. You know why? Most of those early viewers were Iraqi soldiers tuning in to Geraldo to find out where the Marines were.
CNN reports that when they broke into Uday Hussein’s palace they found pornography, Cuban cigars and pictures of President Bush’s twin daughters. I’m sorry – that was Bill Clinton’s apartment.
Wednesday Night April 16
Well it’s looks like the war is over. That’s a good sign. According to the latest poll just out today, 71% of the American people approve of president bush. Bush is very, very happy. Of course he’s happy. It only took 49% of the vote to win the election. This gives him a tremendous cushion.
Now that the war in Iraq is over, a lot of people want President Bush to focus on economy. You know who really wants Bush to focus on the economy? Syria.
I tell you something, a lot of people are afraid we are going to go to war with Syria. But you have to understand, Syria is not Iraq. It is less dangerous, it’s less of an enemy, it has less of an army, and it has less oil.
American officials have accused Syria of possessing chemical weapons. And today Hans Blix, U.N. weapons inspector offered to spend the next three months not finding any of their chemicals weapons too.
Today the Iraqis sat down for talks on how to put together a post war government. They would have sat down yesterday, but somebody stole all the couches. They had to stand around and mingle really.
Now there are reports from Baghdad that officials are taking bribes for favors, giving jobs to their relatives, taking money under that table for contractors. You know what that means? This war is less than a month old, already they have an American style democracy.
I guess you know all of Iraq’s oil fields are under U.S. control. Which is kind of ironic since all the gas stations here are run by Middle Easterners.
Today the homeland security code was lowered except here in Los Angeles where it was raised to code red. Nothing to do with the Middle East, just Rodney King out driving again.
Our old friend Rodney King was driving 100 mph the other night in his SUV, hit a telephone pole, bounced off a tree, smashed through a fence, slammed into a house. Nice to see after all these years Rodney’s still got it. Hasn’t lost his touch.
Monday, April 07, 2003
DOD rules, State Drools. Apparently, there's a lot of jockying for who's going to be running things in Iraq, after the fall. U.S, Coalition, or UN? Department of State or Department of Defense? Put me down for the DOD for two simple reasons: (1) they have a proven record (Douglas MacArthur, George Marshall [howls of protest answered below]) (2) their goal will be to get out of the business of running Iraq as soon as possible.
MacArthur gave the Japanese women's sufferage, labor unions, free press, and a pacifist constitution.
George C. Marshall was Secretary of State when he administered the Marshall Plan, but he was put in that position by President Harry S Truman when he was a general in the Army. Those who might claim this was a Department of State project would probably try to argue that Johnny Unitas was a San Diego Charger.
But more important, which agency do you think will try to get the job done the quickest and most effectively? Or put it this way, would you want your country to be run by Vince Brooks or Kofi Annan?
MacArthur gave the Japanese women's sufferage, labor unions, free press, and a pacifist constitution.
George C. Marshall was Secretary of State when he administered the Marshall Plan, but he was put in that position by President Harry S Truman when he was a general in the Army. Those who might claim this was a Department of State project would probably try to argue that Johnny Unitas was a San Diego Charger.
But more important, which agency do you think will try to get the job done the quickest and most effectively? Or put it this way, would you want your country to be run by Vince Brooks or Kofi Annan?
O'Connor the Callous Racist. The Supreme Court today struck down a Virginia law which declared the burning of a cross a crime. Sandra Day O'Connor wrote the majority/plurality opinion*. Of course the reason she voted the way she did and wrote the opinion is because she is a notorious racist appointed by the most racist President (until the current Bush), Ronald KKK Reagan.
No, I don't believe this, but that is what some would have you believe. Writing in the NYTimes yesterday, Adam Cohen states "Justice O'Connor . . . has written a number of decisions that stand out as not merely conservative, but callous." His evidence of this? "In 1988, she rejected the claim of a North Dakota child, who lived 16 miles from her school, that she had a right to ride a school bus without paying a fee that her family could not afford."
I imagine there are a number of things that put me on the road from liberalism, but this type of thinking is one of them. Yes, Justice O'Connor did write the majority opinion in Kadrmas v. Dickinson Public Schools, 487 U.S. 450, 462 (1988) which upheld a state statute allowing a school district to charge parents a transportation fee. While I disagree with O'Connor in Kadrmas (not to mention in the current cross burning case), her opinion is probably correct and consistent with Supreme Court precedents. [BTW, the record in the Kadrmas case shows that while the state was going to charge the family a total of $97 for transportation, the family opted to not use the bus and ended up incurring transportation costs of about $97.]
Just from reading this one brief essay, I can see Cohen is bright enough to understand O'Connor's opinion, yet he deliberately misconstrues it so he can paint her as "not merely conservative, but callous." Applying Cohen's logic, I could say that Tom Daschle is not merely liberal but unpatriotic. Michael Moore is not merely a Marxist but a traitor. Ted Kennedy is not merely a drunk, but a killer (well, that one is actually true).
Just because O'Connor struck down the Virginia law doesn't mean she's a racist -- she's just wrong.
I agree with the Justice Clarence Thomas dissent:
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* Yes, this was one of those famous hydra-headed opinions -- parts I, II, and III carried a majority, parts IV and V of the opinion only a plurality.
No, I don't believe this, but that is what some would have you believe. Writing in the NYTimes yesterday, Adam Cohen states "Justice O'Connor . . . has written a number of decisions that stand out as not merely conservative, but callous." His evidence of this? "In 1988, she rejected the claim of a North Dakota child, who lived 16 miles from her school, that she had a right to ride a school bus without paying a fee that her family could not afford."
I imagine there are a number of things that put me on the road from liberalism, but this type of thinking is one of them. Yes, Justice O'Connor did write the majority opinion in Kadrmas v. Dickinson Public Schools, 487 U.S. 450, 462 (1988) which upheld a state statute allowing a school district to charge parents a transportation fee. While I disagree with O'Connor in Kadrmas (not to mention in the current cross burning case), her opinion is probably correct and consistent with Supreme Court precedents. [BTW, the record in the Kadrmas case shows that while the state was going to charge the family a total of $97 for transportation, the family opted to not use the bus and ended up incurring transportation costs of about $97.]
Just from reading this one brief essay, I can see Cohen is bright enough to understand O'Connor's opinion, yet he deliberately misconstrues it so he can paint her as "not merely conservative, but callous." Applying Cohen's logic, I could say that Tom Daschle is not merely liberal but unpatriotic. Michael Moore is not merely a Marxist but a traitor. Ted Kennedy is not merely a drunk, but a killer (well, that one is actually true).
Just because O'Connor struck down the Virginia law doesn't mean she's a racist -- she's just wrong.
I agree with the Justice Clarence Thomas dissent:
In February 1952, in light of this series of cross burnings and attendant reports that the Klan, “long considered dead in Virginia, is being revitalized in Richmond,” Governor Battle announced that “Virginia ‘might well consider passing legislation’ to restrict the activities of the Ku Klux Klan.” ‘State Might Well Consider’ Restrictions on Ku Klux Klan, Governor Battle Comments, Richmond Times-Dispatch, Feb. 6, 1952, at 7. As newspapers reported at the time, the bill was “to ban the burning of crosses and other similar evidences of terrorism.” Name Rider Approved by House, Richmond News Leader, Feb. 23, 1952, at 1 (emphasis added). The bill was presented to the House of Delegates by a former FBI agent and future two-term Governor, Delegate Mills E. Godwin, Jr. “Godwin said law and order in the State were impossible if organized groups could create fear by intimidation.” Bill to Curb KKK Passed By the House, Action is Taken Without Debate, Richmond Times Dispatch, Mar. 8, 1952, at 5 (emphasis added).
That in the early 1950s the people of Virginia viewed cross burning as creating an intolerable atmosphere of terror is not surprising: Although the cross took on some religious significance in the 1920's when the Klan became connected with certain southern white clergy, by the postwar period it had reverted to its original function “as an instrument of intimidation.” W. Wade, The Fiery Cross: The Ku Klux Klan in America 185, 279 (1987).
Strengthening Delegate Godwin’s explanation, as well as my conclusion, that the legislature sought to criminalize terrorizing conduct is the fact that at the time the statute was enacted, racial segregation was not only the prevailing practice, but also the law in Virginia.2 And, just two years after the enactment of this statute, Virginia’s General Assembly embarked on a campaign of “massive resistance” in response to Brown v. Board of Education, 347 U.S. 483 (1954). See generally, Griffin v. County School Board, 377 U.S. 218, 221 (1964); Harrison v. Day, 106 S.E.2d 636 (Va. 1959) (describing “massive resistance” as legislatively mandated attempt to close public schools rather than desegregate).
It strains credulity to suggest that a state legislature that adopted a litany of segregationist laws self-contradictorily intended to squelch the segregationist message. Even for segregationists, violent and terroristic conduct, the Siamese twin of cross burning, was intolerable. The ban on cross burning with intent to intimidate demonstrates that even segregationists understood the difference between intimidating and terroristic conduct and racist expression. It is simply beyond belief that, in passing the statute now under review, the Virginia legislature was concerned with anything but penalizing conduct it must have viewed as particularly vicious.
Accordingly, this statute prohibits only conduct, not expression. And, just as one cannot burn down someone’s house to make a political point and then seek refuge in the First Amendment, those who hate cannot terrorize and intimidate to make their point. In light of my conclusion that the statute here addresses only conduct, there is no need to analyze it under any of our First Amendment tests.
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* Yes, this was one of those famous hydra-headed opinions -- parts I, II, and III carried a majority, parts IV and V of the opinion only a plurality.
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