Election 2k2 - the Warner Scenario The
Domenecher is soliciting predictions for the November elections -- I'll be sending those along later tonight. In the meantime, here's my very far-fetched prediction (with appropriate credit to Alan Drury and Christopher Buckley).
We'll Call this the
Warner Scenario (or, if you want to be dramatic, the Warner Nightmare).
Monday Evening, November 4, 2002 -- after a little Monkey Business with Elizabeth Rae Fox, the regular mistress of Sen. Edward Kennedy, Senator John Warner, or Foghorn Clegghorn, as voters in the Great Dominion affectionately call him, starts to seize and turn blue. It seems that he has a chicken-bone lodged in his throat. He flails and then collapses. Ms. Fox, not sure what to do, calls Senator Kennedy. Kennedy, who will claim much later that he thought Fox had already called for an ambulance, will advise her to do nothing -- she should secure a neck brace and appear in public as much as possible over the next day. Preferable wearing a sporty, yet conservative blue blazer.
For the next 12 to 18 hours, Kennedy is the only one ("other than that bimbo") who knows that the elegant John Warner's splendid senatorial body is cooling and he springs into action. The Democrats don't have anyone on the ballot in Virginia opposing Warner. Perhaps he can arrange a little New Jersey justice and have the ballot reconstructed to put a Democrat on the ballot. Does he have any kin currently living in Virgina? Or have those that do moved north for a few months to help Bobby's brat, KKT? Going to court might tip off the Republicans that they have a stiff on the ballot, not that they didn't know that already. He thinks the courts in Virginia aren't as reliable as those in Virginia -- they actually follow the written law down there -- not like during the 50's when he was in school and pop could make arrangements. The most votes win, so he just needs to call some friends and get a quick write-in campaign going.
Tuesday Morning -- very early, November 5, 2002 -- Kennedy gets off the telephone with another Virginia fundraiser -- why do they all go to bed so early -- it's only 3 a.m.? They all indicate they'll make calls and get out a write-in vote. He thinks he should've proposed a candidate -- he just can't remember anyone down there -- other than the fundraisers and they make too much to want to go into politics. They don't know what a babe magnet power is. Anyway, all he needs is a few hundred voters picking one good Democrat. Hell, probably all he needs is a few dozen writing in the same name to win. Besides, don't we have the Governor down there?
Tuesday Morning -- sunrise, November 5, 2002 The polls in Virginia are open. John Warner's maid let's herself in, quietly and soon realizes he's sleeping off another drunk on the floor. At least this keeps him from pawing at her, she thinks and goes to work in another room.
Tuesday Morning -- 9:30 a.m. November 5, 2002 Calls are being made across Virginia -- in Richmond, telling friends to write in Doug Wilder; in Northern Virginia, telling friends to write in Chuck Robb "or that Volvo dealer"; in Southside, telling them to write in one of the Byrds; in Charlottesville, it's Larry Sabato; at the Beach, the fundraiser likes Alan Diamondstein; in the Valley they're writing in Ralph Sampson. Meanwhile, Warner's driver is cooling his heels, waiting to drive his boss to Richmond for the big victory party.
Tuesday Morning -- late, November 5, 2002 The Warner staff discover he's dead. Someone, probably a mole, actually tips someone off at the state Republican party of this fact. Since the governor is a Democrat, he gets to appoint if they don't do something. (Just like the Wellstone Democrats, no one much cares about the former Senator -- now just a cold corpse). Perhaps we can pull a Laufenberg --you mean Lautenberg, Laufenberg was a Redskins quarterback -- whatever.
Tuesday afternoon -- November 5, 2002 "The GOP efforts to substitute perinnial Republican J. Marshall Coleman on today's ballot was rejected this afternoon by a court in Richmond. In other news, Senator John Warner, the
seventh husband of Elizabeth Taylor, passed away today . . ."
Tuesday, November 5, 2002, 7:00 p.m. "Most of the polls are closing now in Virginia amidst a flurry of lawsuits, at last count 31 lawsuits had been filed from Arlington to Abington. By various court orders, the polls in Manassas, Hampton, Lee County, Suffolk, and Danville are all still open. . . ."
Tuesday late - November 5, 2002 ". . .thank you, Peter Dan, you're right, it does look like the revenge of the 'Cocoon Generatation:' Walter Monday and Frank Laufenberg are both winners and in Virginia the early write-in candidates to take the seat of John Warner are Harry F. Byrd, Jr., James Madison, Thomas Jefferson, and George Washington. With the Senate appearing to be evenly split, the winner of this race could decide who controls . . ."
Thursday afternoon -- November 7, 2002 "Who is the hell is Nancy Spannaus?"