War Jokes. I think one of the better ways to remember the events surrounding this war might be through Jay Leno's monologues. Accordingly, here are some of his lines, in chronological order.
Monday Night March 24
Last night I thought I was watching the war coverage and I see this convoy of 100 Humvees coming down the street and then I realize, it’s just celebrities going to the Oscars.
A very dramatic moment last night when documentary film producer Michael Moore stunned Hollywood and the world when he wore a suit. I didn’t know he had a suit!
Do you know about this? When you get an Oscar, I believe you have to give it back so they can inscribe your name on it. They give it to you, then they take it back and then they return it to you. At least that’s what they told Michael Moore.
You think right about now Saddam Hussein is suffering from Iraqtile dysfunction? His army is not performing. Very serious problem in Iraq.
The good news – not only do we have the Iraqis on the run, but late today, two of the Dixie Chicks surrendered.
Tuesday Night March 25
Iraqi TV has managed to stay on the air despite having virtually no resources left and no programs to put on. Kind of like ABC.
A fierce sandstorm hit Iraq today. Visibility was reduced to less than 50 feet. Or, as we call that in L.A., "Clear skies."
A new category was introduced at the Oscars this year: Best Non-supporting Director. It went to Michael Moore.
As you know, Michael, who won an Oscar for best documentary, then made some anti-war statements during his acceptance speech and got booed. He was really mad when he was giving that speech. I haven't seen him that angry since he was charged for two seats on a Southwest airplane flight.
In London, you know who's launching a music career? Osama bin Laden's niece. I guess the Dixie Chicks have an opening act now.
Wednesday Night March 26
President Bush is asking Congress for $75 billion to fight the war – and that’s just for gas money.
There are now reports that Saddam Hussein was injured in the initial U.S. bombing and he’s now receiving medical care in an underground bunker. In fact, he asked his doctors if he was going to live and they told him, "Oh yeah, absolutely, you’ll live – until the Americans get here ... then you’re screwed!"
The man who built Saddam Hussein’s bunker, I think he’s German, said today that it’s impossible to destroy. Well, of course the builder is going to say that. All contractors say that. "This bunker will withstand anything. And once we get some aluminum siding ... that patio deck will last the rest of your life."
Have you noticed lately there are a lot of retired military officers giving their analysis on all the TV shows? The bigger the network, the bigger the analyst. Like NBC news has General Norman Schwarzkopf, CBS has General Terry Smith. I feel bad for some of the smaller stations like Channel 11 here in L.A. they have Colonel Clink.
The Food Channel has Cap’n Crunch and Colonel Sanders.
In Baghdad, they don’t even need TV. They just look out the window. It’s like CNN 3-D.
Well, let’s see what’s happening with Michael Moore. Or, as he’s also known – the 4th Dixie Chick.
Today Michael Moore made another impassioned anti-war speech – he went on and on. Then finally the woman at the McDonald’s drive-thru took the mic back and said, "You want your Big Mac combo or not? Make up your mind!"
Thursday Night March 27
Today President Bush said we would stay in Iraq for as long as it takes. It’s the same policy he had in high school.
Bush has promised to rebuild Iraq after he’s done destroying the country. Now, if we could just get Governor Gray Davis to promise to rebuild California after he’s done destroying it, that would be terrific!
Friday Night March 28
Let’s see what the latest on the war is. They say the U.S. military has been bombing Iraqi positions in south central Baghdad. Boy, you thought things were rough in south central L.A.! What the hell is south central Baghdad like? That’s a tough neighborhood.
Today stealth bombers dropped two of those huge satellite-guided bunker buster bombs – 4,700 pounds each. They were called Anna and Nicole.
President Bush said today the war is not about timetables. It’s about winning. Hey, it worked in Florida.
You know what’s amazing? People are complaining the war is taking too long. "The war effort is taking too long.” It’s a week! That’s what I love about our country. It’s okay for "American Idol” to take 10 weeks to pick a bad singer, but the war: "Hey, hey, come on!”
Here’s kind of a weird story. Way back in 1980, Saddam Hussein was given a key to the city of Detroit. Did you know that? A dignitary from Detroit traveled to Iraq and as a goodwill gesture he gave Saddam Hussein the key to the city. Of course, Saddam never actually went to Detroit. Way too dangerous. He wouldn’t do that.
Monday Night March 31
Thank you for coming out on such a warm day. Ninety degrees here in Los Angeles. People were sweating like Donald Rumsfeld trying to explain his battle plan.
Our American troops say one of the biggest problems in Iraq is trying to tell whose side some people are on. Yeah, like Peter Arnett and Geraldo Rivera.
Did you hear about this? Today NBC fired pinhead Peter Arnett. He gave an interview on Iraqi television criticizing the U.S. military and saying our battle plan was all wrong. The good news is, after he said that, today he was given an honorary Oscar.
He gave the interview on Iraq TV’s top morning show, which is hosted by Saddam’s son. It’s called "Good Day, Uday"!
I don’t think NBC should have fired Peter Arnett. To teach him a lesson they should’ve made him cover arena football.
It’s amazing, isn’t it? We have smart bombs and dumb reporters.
This week Donald Rumsfeld issued stern warnings to Iranians and Syrian people telling them not to cross the border into Iraq. We’ll be watching, don’t try to cross the border. Good luck, we can’t stop them from crossing the border in Tijuana.
On Friday, the United States bombed Saddam Hussein’s personal luxury yacht. That’s when you know Republicans are out to get you, when they blow up your yacht. There is no meaner crime!
The U.N. has decided to restart the oil for food program with Iraq. You know what you get when you combine heavy crude oil and food? Kentucky fried chicken.
Here’s a little-known fact: Do you know that in 1980 Saddam Hussein was given the key to the city by Detroit? Isn’t that amazing? The more we bomb Baghdad, the more it starts to look like Detroit.
Tuesday Night April 1
Today is April Fool's Day, the day we traditionally honor the French.
Today Dick Cheney walked into George Bush’s office, walked into the Oval Office, and said, "You want to run things for a while?” Bush said "sure” and Cheney went "April Fool's!”
The latest reports from Baghdad are saying that Saddam Hussein has been taking a lot of vitamins. B-1s, B-17s, B-52s ...
On Saturday a British ship arrived with food and medical supplies. Well sure, anytime you’re eating British food you’re gonna need medical supplies.
Wednesday Night April 2
Here’s some good news – things seem to be going a little better in the war effort. It was reported today Americans now control 40 percent of Iraq, which is pretty amazing when you consider Americans don’t even control 40 percent of L.A.
Yesterday Saddam Hussein told his troops that victory is at hand. Americans are on the run and Iraq will win the war. Then he said, "April Fool's!”
And today Saddam Hussein issued his second statement to the Iraqi soldiers. He said, "Run!”
The Pentagon says the Iraqi military is having a tough time trying to figure out where we’re going to attack next - you know, since we pulled Geraldo off the air.
They said today one of the few places left with working phones in Baghdad was the Palestine Hotel. If you’ve never been to Baghdad, the Palestine Hotel is just a stone’s throw from the Israeli Hotel.
On Monday, former President George Bush threw out the first pitch at the Cincinnati Reds game. Now al-Jazeera network is reporting that the ball missed the catcher, killed five Iraqi civilians and destroyed a baby milk factory.
Former NBC correspondent Peter Arnett, with the bad comb-over, was fired by NBC after giving an interview to Iraqi state TV. Even Tom Arnold turned down a pilot for Iraqi television.
Thursday Night April 3
Today U.S. forces attacked Saddam International Airport. How does fighting work at the airport? Do you have to show up two hours early for that?
Do the troops have to check their weapons in the metal detectors?
We had another war-related casualty today. France hit the ground when they tried jumping on our bandwagon.
Saddam Hussein released a statement that says he has no fear of the U.S. Army. Well, of course not – he’s dead!
I saw something sad today. I went by Circuit City and I saw Geraldo standing next to some TVs showing Iraq and he was pretending to be reporting.
Anyone else notice that we really started to win the war after Geraldo left?
And last night our friend Bill O’Reilly defended his Fox co-worker by saying that the information that Geraldo gave out was already known and had been released. Yeah, by Peter Arnett!
Friday Night April 4
Welcome to "The Tonight Show.” I’m Jay Leno’s double. Jay’s in his bunker, 60 feet below the Earth.
I had something strange happen to me yesterday, I’m coming to work, i turn on the radio in the morning, the war is going badly, we weren’t in control, the enemy was escaping and the people of Iraq hated us. Then, I’m driving home, we’re winning every battle, racing toward Baghdad, cheered on by Iraqi people, and then I realized: On the way in I was listening to National Public Radio when I commuted to work. And on the way home, I was listening to Fox News.
The bad news is it looks like Saddam Hussein is still alive. The good news: We still get to kill him.
I thought this was nice – on the video today, Saddam Hussein thanked Peter Arnett for filling in for him. Very nice of him.
I guess our forces seized Saddam international airport. Troops got in in less than three hours. Three hours?! That’s better than LAX.
By the weekend, it looks like Baghdad is about to fall, and we will soon control the entire city. So you know what that means? Sell the electric cars, get an SUV, Lincoln navigators for everybody. Free gas!
The electricity is out in Baghdad. So apparently they must have PG&E there too.
You know where Saddam Hussein’s palace is? It’s located on Saddam Hussein Boulevard right next to the Saddam Hussein soccer field, which is next to the Saddam Hussein airport. This guy names everything after himself; he’s like Donald trump with better hair.
Donald Rumsfeld now admits the war plan has taken a little longer than expected. He said, for one thing, they wanted to throw Geraldo out in the first week.
Monday Night April 7
As you know we all lost an hour over the weekend, which is nothing compared to Saddam Hussein. He lost an airport, a couple of cities, a few tanks…
As you know our forces have taken Saddam Hussein International Airport and renamed it Baghdad International Airport. Is the right name? Shouldn’t we have called it something more appropriate like the no thanks to France or Germany International Airport?
Even though the airport has only been under U.S. control for a couple days you can already see the American influence: all the airlines are broke, the food sucks, the luggage is lost, and all the pilots are drunk already!
Since we now control it, it’s now the only airport in the world where the cab drivers actually speak English.
Not going too good for Saddam Hussein. He was on TV yesterday, and tomorrow I understand he’s going to be on an episode of "Crossing Over”.
Over the weekend U.S. troops found a huge cache of weapons at a high school in Baghdad. You know what that means. Their high school students are just like our high school students.
What do the Iraqi Republican Guard and the Los Angeles Clippers have in common. Neither one will be around for the playoffs.
The Pentagon said today Geraldo Rivera can go back into Iraq. Apparently we must be running out of people to shoot at.
Tuesday Night April 8
Over the weekend I thought I was watching war footage. A bunch of men in uniform were waving white flags and surrendering - it was the Detroit Tigers.
It doesn’t look good for Saddam and his sons. Yesterday we bombed the Baghdad restaurant where they were eating. In fact, today I went on the Internet and they were selling pieces of Uday and Qusay on eBay!
The military said we’ll be able to confirm Saddam is dead through DNA testing. We actually have a sample of his DNA. Isn’t that amazing? So apparently Monica Lewinsky is working for the CIA now.
Coalition forces may have a dozen 55-gallon drums containing chemical weapons. The information minister said: "Those are not chemical weapons. Those are peaches in light syrup."
According to the L.A. Times, the United States post office chartered two cargo jets to deliver mail to our troops in the war zone. Boy, if the Iraqis think our military is heavily armed, wait till they see our postal workers!
I’ve been watching our friend Ted Koppel, he’s covering the war in Iraq. He does a great job. Terrific reporter, Ted Koppel, but here’s my question: With that hair, does he really need the helmet?
Wednesday Night April 9
Did you see the Iraqi people dancing in the streets today? It made me realize, you know what they need more than food and medicine? Dancing lessons. They don’t know how to dance. They haven’t danced in 30 years.
Tonight President Bush warned, don’t be too gleeful, there are still pockets of resistance. Barbra Streisand, the Dixie Chicks, Susan Sarandon …
Of course the other big news: We don’t know if Saddam Hussein is dead, or just not dead yet.
Reports are coming in now that Saddam Hussein has been spotted in central Baghdad. Parts of him were also spotted in northern Baghdad, western Baghdad and eastern Baghdad.
You know that story by now. The U.S. military bombed a restaurant where they thought Saddam Hussein was eating. Well, actually, the military heard it was either Saddam Hussein or Geraldo. So they figured either way they’d make their move.
They dropped four 2,000-pound bombs on the place. Actually, we may have killed two birds with one stone. It turns out it was also karaoke night.
We have now captured all of Saddam Hussein’s palaces and residences; he has no place to live! If he thinks Bush was hard on him before, wait till Saddam sees how Republicans treat the homeless!
Some Iraqis are looting the presidential palaces, taking stationary, ashtrays, pillows, even a grand piano. Reporters say they haven’t seen looting like this since Clinton’s last days in the white house.
Thursday Night April 10
How many have filed their taxes already? You know, President Bush still hasn’t filed his taxes. Not because he’s been too busy. He’s just waiting to see if he can write off Saddam Hussein as a total loss.
In the paper today, they said there’s going to be a big meeting this week to discuss postwar Iraq with the leaders of France, Germany and Russia. Or, as they’re also known, the "axis of envy."
It’s very exciting watching this footage from Baghdad, isn’t it? You know, to see Saddam Hussein kicked out of office, driven from office … it’s the same feeling people had when Kathie lee got knocked off Regis.
Of course, people are looking for clues if Saddam Hussein is alive or not. He hasn’t appeared on TV now in a number of days. Of course, for celebrities here in Hollywood, that’s a fate worse than death. Jesse Jackson is going, "Not on TV for three days … he must be dead!”
Did you see the Iraqi people tear down that statue of Saddam? Hard to believe he won 100 percent of the vote in the last election. Voters are so fickle, aren’t they? One day they love you, the next day, oh boy ...
Kev, you know the last thing that Saddam said to his sons? "I told you we should have used the drive-thru.”
Friday Night April 11
Before we get started, I’d like to welcome all the Iraqi people who are watching the show on brand new TV sets they just stole.
We’ve entered a new phase of the war: We’ve gone from "shock and awe" to "loot and scoot."
As you know, a tremendous amount of looting is going on in Iraq right now. Believe me, that’s nothing – wait till the oil companies get there.
People are stealing everything. After they knocked down the giant statue of Saddam Hussein, they showed that one guy hauling away the giant broken head. What are you going to do with that? That’s so typical of a guy. Guys will take anything that’s free and think, "Hey, this will go great in the house!” You could offer a guy a Rembrandt for 200 bucks, they’re going, "Where would I put it? It doesn’t go with anything in the house.” You give the guy a free giant broken Saddam head for free and they’re thinking, "I can put a beer on it, it looks great.”
Here’s something I thought was really nice – President Bush saw to it today that all the celebrating Iraqis were all given absentee ballots for the next presidential election in Florida.
U.N. Secretary-General Annan said today he thinks the arms inspectors should resume looking for weapons in Iraq. Forget looking for arms in Iraq – how about looking for are backbones in the U.N.?
Monday Night April 14
This is like holy week, isn’t it? We had Palm Sunday, it’s also Passover, this week is also Easter. You know, between the rescue of our POWs and the Tigers winning a game – this is truly the week of miracles.
I had a pretty good day today. I bought four chairs and a table on eBay from some guy in Baghdad – 12 bucks. Beautiful dinette set, fabulous!
Today President Bush announced that all this time he’s been misprouncing the word "Iraq." He said it’s actually pronounced "Syria."
The leaders of Russia, France and Germany – or, as I call them, the "axis of envy” – gathered for a summit on what their part in the rebuilding of Iraq should be. You know something? I think France should participate in rebuilding Iraq. When it comes to having experience about what to do after losing a war, nobody does it better than the French.
The Canadian prime minister has ordered the Canadian navy not to capture any of Saddam’s henchmen if they try to flee Iraq by sea. The Pentagon is stunned by this. They had no idea Canada had a navy.
Today President Bush said that Slovakia has already offered its help in demining Iraq. Listen to this: Exxon and Mobil have offered their help in de-oiling Iraq.
Tuesday Night April 15
Today was tax day, of course, the one day every American wishes they were an illegal alien.
Technically, you’re not paying taxes. According to the Bush administration, your bank account is being liberated.
Let’s see what’s happening in Iraq - or, as the pentagon is now calling it, Gateway to Syria.
Whoever is in charge of rebuilding Iraq, here’s what they should do – put all the furniture into the rooms first. Then make all the doorways smaller than the average couch. This way, next time the looters won’t be able to get the stuff out.
For the first weeks of the war the ratings at cable news stations were way up. But they’ve fallen in the past couple of weeks. You know why? Most of those early viewers were Iraqi soldiers tuning in to Geraldo to find out where the Marines were.
CNN reports that when they broke into Uday Hussein’s palace they found pornography, Cuban cigars and pictures of President Bush’s twin daughters. I’m sorry – that was Bill Clinton’s apartment.
Wednesday Night April 16
Well it’s looks like the war is over. That’s a good sign. According to the latest poll just out today, 71% of the American people approve of president bush. Bush is very, very happy. Of course he’s happy. It only took 49% of the vote to win the election. This gives him a tremendous cushion.
Now that the war in Iraq is over, a lot of people want President Bush to focus on economy. You know who really wants Bush to focus on the economy? Syria.
I tell you something, a lot of people are afraid we are going to go to war with Syria. But you have to understand, Syria is not Iraq. It is less dangerous, it’s less of an enemy, it has less of an army, and it has less oil.
American officials have accused Syria of possessing chemical weapons. And today Hans Blix, U.N. weapons inspector offered to spend the next three months not finding any of their chemicals weapons too.
Today the Iraqis sat down for talks on how to put together a post war government. They would have sat down yesterday, but somebody stole all the couches. They had to stand around and mingle really.
Now there are reports from Baghdad that officials are taking bribes for favors, giving jobs to their relatives, taking money under that table for contractors. You know what that means? This war is less than a month old, already they have an American style democracy.
I guess you know all of Iraq’s oil fields are under U.S. control. Which is kind of ironic since all the gas stations here are run by Middle Easterners.
Today the homeland security code was lowered except here in Los Angeles where it was raised to code red. Nothing to do with the Middle East, just Rodney King out driving again.
Our old friend Rodney King was driving 100 mph the other night in his SUV, hit a telephone pole, bounced off a tree, smashed through a fence, slammed into a house. Nice to see after all these years Rodney’s still got it. Hasn’t lost his touch.
Art News. According to 
George C. Marshall was Secretary of State when he administered the Marshall Plan, but he was put in that position by President Harry S Truman when he was a general in the Army. Those who might claim this was a Department of State project would probably try to argue that Johnny Unitas was a San Diego Charger.
No. I am dumbstruck -- 
