Absence of Malice. I didn't like this when Elliot Rosen did this to Paul Newman. I don't like it that the fibbies are doing it now to Dr. Steven Hatfill. Sequels are almost never as good as the original.
Where's Wilford Brimley? ("You had a leak? You call what's goin' on around here a leak?! Boy, the last time there was a leak like this, Noah built hisself a boat.")
Wednesday, May 07, 2003
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
Big Green. In case you missed it -- and it didn't seem to get a lot attention -- the WaPo had a very good series on the Nature Conservancy. Yes, it's pretty much what the Washington Times and other periodicals have done over the years, but it's nice to see the official newspaper of the conventional wisdom giving this story some attention.
Monday, May 05, 2003
Cinco de Bennett. We just had our little family dinner of tacos toasting Mexico's defeat of the French in the Battle of Puebla. [BTW, has France won any battles since before Waterloo? Or are they just the Devil Rays of the World? Oh, okay.]
Which brings me to Bill Bennett (Over/Under = $8 million), who has apparently replaced brother Bob as the black sheep of the Bennett family with disclosure (and admission) of his gambling problem.
I'm not going to throw stones -- I've gambled in the past -- I've bought a lotto ticket and have signed up for a square on a pool. Obviously, never anything big. But the point is that I guess I've never thought of gambling as a "per se," absolute sin, like lying or stealing or adultry. [You can see from my Inferno Test Score, below, that I have my areas of failings.] It falls into that grey zone of activities like drinking and smoking where context and amount (or situation and addiction, if you prefer) are factors as to whether it is "sinful."
Nevertheless, the sheer amount wagered -- an $8,000,000 net loss -- if reported correctly, over a 10 year period, would cross the threshold into sinful behavior, IMO.
William Bennett has acknowledge his addiction to tobacco in the past -- when he was Drug Czar Garry Trudeau took him to task on this (the moralist Trudeau being unable to distinguish between a legal and an illegal addiction, I guess). Therefore, the fact that the guy is a sinner is not surprising.
But it is disappointing. There have been admissions and disclosures over the past 20 years that have shaken people or disclosed persons to be liars, hypocrites, dupes, etc. Sometimes, I have been surprised -- while Jim Bakker didn't surprise me, Jimmy Swaggert did (although I never had any appreciation for either of them). The high profile "Reverends" have all had moral failings exposed: be it Pat Robertson and his ponies and the gambling, to Jesse Jackson and his mistress and payoffs. The list could be very long: Martin Luther King, Tony Campolo, John Howard Yoder, Mike Warnke, Jim and Tammy Faye, Swaggert, and on and on.
Yet, I don't know that Bennett's failings are significant enough to join this list -- I don't think he's been involved in fraud or adultry or the rest.
I'm not sure if this even approaches the Amy Grant line (high-profile Christian entertainer who divorces husband just because he doesn't turn her on for another guy who does). The Amy Grant line? Is that sort of like the Mendoza line?
Well, there has long been a perception of varying degrees of virtue and vice, just as there are levels of heaven and hell (again, see Dante). The Church of Rome distinguishes between mortal sins and venial sins. I disagree with this doctrine, slightly. I believe that all sin separates us from God -- even the most minor (yet, who is to say what's minor -- look at this list of what God hates). Nevertheless, there does seem to be Scriptural authority for degrees of sinfulness.
As an aside, are the critics of Bennett disclosing they believe that gambling is immoral, even though he apparently not ever labeled this activity a vice? I think there is an element of this, although I suspect the glee is merely a transference of claims of vice. By and large, in Protestant American culture, gambling has been viewed as sinful -- although I don't think you could project that sin on the American Catholic with respect to bingo and so on.
So is Bennett a hypocrite? ("One who plays a part; especially, one who, for the purpose of winning approbation of favor, puts on a fair outside seeming; one who feigns to be other and better than he is; a false pretender to virtue or piety; one who simulates virtue or piety.") I don't think so. As I note above, he comes out of a tradition (Roman Catholic) that doesn't treat gambling as sinful on its face. But maybe I'm splitting hairs. I think Hillary Clinton with her public pronouncements on the greedy capitalists, yet secretly made boo-coo bucks with her cattle trading is a hypocrite. Michael Moore = hypocrite. Jimmy Swaggert = hypocrite. Jim Bakker = hypocrite.
I think if we found out that Bennett were smoking pot, yes, you could call him a hypocrite (afterall, he has consistently opposed drug use). Yet, Bennett the tax-paying gambler -- engaging in a legal activity -- doesn't seem to be a hypocrite.
Now, were he doing this activity in violation of the law -- or were he lying about it in his IRS filings, then you would be correct in labelling him thusly.
Nevertheless, Bennett has fallen -- if not from grace, at least from public favor. Is it surprising? That Bennett did this -- yes -- he's sharp enough to have predicted this reaction. The reaction is not surprising -- nor that another person falls. This may be his own Waterloo. Or his Puebla.
Which brings me to Bill Bennett (Over/Under = $8 million), who has apparently replaced brother Bob as the black sheep of the Bennett family with disclosure (and admission) of his gambling problem.
I'm not going to throw stones -- I've gambled in the past -- I've bought a lotto ticket and have signed up for a square on a pool. Obviously, never anything big. But the point is that I guess I've never thought of gambling as a "per se," absolute sin, like lying or stealing or adultry. [You can see from my Inferno Test Score, below, that I have my areas of failings.] It falls into that grey zone of activities like drinking and smoking where context and amount (or situation and addiction, if you prefer) are factors as to whether it is "sinful."
Nevertheless, the sheer amount wagered -- an $8,000,000 net loss -- if reported correctly, over a 10 year period, would cross the threshold into sinful behavior, IMO.
William Bennett has acknowledge his addiction to tobacco in the past -- when he was Drug Czar Garry Trudeau took him to task on this (the moralist Trudeau being unable to distinguish between a legal and an illegal addiction, I guess). Therefore, the fact that the guy is a sinner is not surprising.
But it is disappointing. There have been admissions and disclosures over the past 20 years that have shaken people or disclosed persons to be liars, hypocrites, dupes, etc. Sometimes, I have been surprised -- while Jim Bakker didn't surprise me, Jimmy Swaggert did (although I never had any appreciation for either of them). The high profile "Reverends" have all had moral failings exposed: be it Pat Robertson and his ponies and the gambling, to Jesse Jackson and his mistress and payoffs. The list could be very long: Martin Luther King, Tony Campolo, John Howard Yoder, Mike Warnke, Jim and Tammy Faye, Swaggert, and on and on.
Yet, I don't know that Bennett's failings are significant enough to join this list -- I don't think he's been involved in fraud or adultry or the rest.
I'm not sure if this even approaches the Amy Grant line (high-profile Christian entertainer who divorces husband just because he doesn't turn her on for another guy who does). The Amy Grant line? Is that sort of like the Mendoza line?
Well, there has long been a perception of varying degrees of virtue and vice, just as there are levels of heaven and hell (again, see Dante). The Church of Rome distinguishes between mortal sins and venial sins. I disagree with this doctrine, slightly. I believe that all sin separates us from God -- even the most minor (yet, who is to say what's minor -- look at this list of what God hates). Nevertheless, there does seem to be Scriptural authority for degrees of sinfulness.
As an aside, are the critics of Bennett disclosing they believe that gambling is immoral, even though he apparently not ever labeled this activity a vice? I think there is an element of this, although I suspect the glee is merely a transference of claims of vice. By and large, in Protestant American culture, gambling has been viewed as sinful -- although I don't think you could project that sin on the American Catholic with respect to bingo and so on.
So is Bennett a hypocrite? ("One who plays a part; especially, one who, for the purpose of winning approbation of favor, puts on a fair outside seeming; one who feigns to be other and better than he is; a false pretender to virtue or piety; one who simulates virtue or piety.") I don't think so. As I note above, he comes out of a tradition (Roman Catholic) that doesn't treat gambling as sinful on its face. But maybe I'm splitting hairs. I think Hillary Clinton with her public pronouncements on the greedy capitalists, yet secretly made boo-coo bucks with her cattle trading is a hypocrite. Michael Moore = hypocrite. Jimmy Swaggert = hypocrite. Jim Bakker = hypocrite.
I think if we found out that Bennett were smoking pot, yes, you could call him a hypocrite (afterall, he has consistently opposed drug use). Yet, Bennett the tax-paying gambler -- engaging in a legal activity -- doesn't seem to be a hypocrite.
Now, were he doing this activity in violation of the law -- or were he lying about it in his IRS filings, then you would be correct in labelling him thusly.
Nevertheless, Bennett has fallen -- if not from grace, at least from public favor. Is it surprising? That Bennett did this -- yes -- he's sharp enough to have predicted this reaction. The reaction is not surprising -- nor that another person falls. This may be his own Waterloo. Or his Puebla.
Saturday, May 03, 2003
The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
| Level | Score |
|---|---|
| Purgatory (Repenting Believers) | Very High |
| Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) | Moderate |
| Level 2 (Lustful) | Very Low |
| Level 3 (Gluttonous) | Low |
| Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) | Very Low |
| Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) | Low |
| Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) | Very Low |
| Level 7 (Violent) | Low |
| Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) | Moderate |
| Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) | Low |
Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test
Thursday, May 01, 2003
Judges There has been some excellent discussions lately concerning the delays in the confirmations of Judges and the recess appointments of Judges.
History or Who's Fault is It Anyway?
Juan Non-Volokh ("JNov") has a good review of the history of delays here in response to the "It was the Republicans fault" essays by JJ Gass and Jack Balkin. I particularly appreciate the fact that JNov traces the roots back to the Fortas-Thornberry nomination by LBJ. He goes on to note that "Democrats retaliated against two of Nixon's High Court picks..." One of those picks, Clement Haynsworth, was nixed in clear retaliation for Fortas (the Washington Post editorial page acknowledged it was wrong to oppose Hayesworth when he passed away), the other, G. Harold Carswell, was manifestly unfit for the office. (Somewhere at home I have a newsclipping from then White House counsel William Hubbs Rehnquist denying he would be considered because "I'm not a Southerner, I'm not a woman, and I'm not mediocre" [or words to that effect].) That defeat led to the nomination of Harry Blackmun.
Another Judge who was unfairly slimed, but not mentioned thusfar, was Judge Kenneth Ryskamp who was nominated by the elder Bush to a seat on the 11th Circuit but rejected by the Senate Judicairy Committee in 1991. At that point in time, this was an escalation in the partisanship because this was a sitting District Court Judge who received the ABA's highest rating. A year ago, I wrote:
So how does this downward spiral end? Someone has to make the first move and I believe that George W. Bush did make a step in the right direction when he sent up his first slate of nominations, containing Roger L. Gregory and Barrington D. Parker, both Democrats. Indeed Gregory had been nominated by President Clinton (and appointed to the 4th Cir. as a recess appointee), but not confirmed before the end of Clinton's term. It would've been nice to see the Senate Democrats take a similar step in recognition of this peace offering, by confirming the rest of that first slate. Alas, Miguel Estrada, part of that first slate, has not been confirmed. Maybe Gass or Balkin can tell me where the Leahy gang has similarly offered de-escalation?
Recess Appointments
The Gregory appointment mentioned in the item above shows that recess appointments of Judges, while rare, does happen.
Back here I noted that William Brennan was a recess appointment to the Supreme Court. According to information on the Cornell website, this happened on October 16, 1956. "Three months later, on January 14, 1957, Brennan was formally nominated to the Court, and the Senate confirmed the appointment on March 19, 1957."
If you haven't done so, please read Lawrence Solum's essay: "Going Nuclear: The Constitutionality of Recess Appointments to Article III Courts" on his blog.
In my note above, I said that Bush should pick a fight with the Senate Democrats and recess appoint any judge whose nomination had been pending for a year and had not received a hearing. I agree with Prof. Solum's assessment, this would be going nuclear (except, doesn't that mean that President Clinton already went nuclear when he recessed appointed Gregory?). Nevertheless, the situation has changed -- the President's party is now in control of the Senate. Perhaps my view on this will change again -- I could see recessing Estrada if there is no hearing. Yet, I think the President's party has made it easy for the the Democrats by allowing a fillibuster lite version of this.
Another Olive Branch
Last thing -- I mentioned earlier one scenario that could take place should the Chief Justice step down would be to nominate Breyer to take his place:
History or Who's Fault is It Anyway?
Judge Kenneth Ryskamp was nominated by Bush Sr. in 1990 or 91. I remember doing some work in Florida a few years later with some of those notorious "left-wing" attorneys (yeah, politically they might have been), and I noticed they had quite a few cases before Ryskamp, so I asked about him. They all thought he got a bum deal -- they acknowledged he was conservative, but they thought he was fair.It's been a dozen years, but this one still ticks me off.
Recess Appointments
Another Olive Branch
Last thing -- I mentioned earlier one scenario that could take place should the Chief Justice step down would be to nominate Breyer to take his place:
It could be that Bush might go to Joe Biden, former chair of the Judiciary Committee, and Teddy Kennedy, to broker a deal to get a conservative along the line of Rehnquist -- J. Michael Luttig? -- named to the Court, in exchange for the elevation of Stephen Breyer to the CJ spot. [Breyer was Chief Counsel, U.S. Senate Judiciary Committee, 1979-1980, when Biden was chair -- and with his Harvard connection, is considered to be a Kennedy man] It could be argued that this would slightly tip the Court to the left, because Breyer would have authority to pick the writer of the decision (that is, when he is in the majority). And a Luttig is not any more or less conservative than Rehnquist.This could still happen -- it's in Bush's nature, I believe, as a firm-handed peace-maker.
Tuesday, April 29, 2003
Programing Note. I guess I was mistaken when I said I'd be on hiatus during Lent. Actually, it looks like it will be much longer. I've had a busy spring for work -- which impacts everything else -- I'm primarily responsible for doing the homeschooling of my daughter who is in 8th grade.
At least I'll be seeing America.
I'll be back, albeit infrequently.
At least I'll be seeing America.
I'll be back, albeit infrequently.
Wednesday, April 16, 2003
At The End. According to the Gospel of John:
Joseph was described as a secret follower and Nicodemus, who visited Jesus under cover of darkness were not two stalwart disciples -- neither one proclaimed him or stood up for him while he was alive. Yet they were there at the end when his number one man had denied him, another had betrayed him and he was hanging lifeless on a criminal's cross.
Joseph and Nicodemus.
In the Gospel of Matthew, we learn that Joseph gave his own tomb for Jesus' body -- so that it wouldn't go the way of the remains of common criminals.
Who were these two? I heard Sam Ericsson once say that they were both lawyers -- or at least teacher of the law -- which seems consistent with their few mentions in the scriptures. It's a small point of professional pride.
Neither one gets more than a handful of mentions in the Scriptures, yet they were there at the end.
30 When he had received the drink, Jesus said, "It is finished." With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.At the end there were just two of them: Joseph of Arimathea and Nicodemus.* * *
38 Later, Joseph of Arimathea asked Pilate for the body of Jesus. Now Joseph was a disciple of Jesus, but secretly because he feared the Jews. With Pilate's permission, he came and took the body away.
39 He was accompanied by Nicodemus, the man who earlier had visited Jesus at night. Nicodemus brought a mixture of myrrh and aloes, about seventy-five pounds.
40 Taking Jesus' body, the two of them wrapped it, with the spices, in strips of linen. This was in accordance with Jewish burial customs.
41 At the place where Jesus was crucified, there was a garden, and in the garden a new tomb, in which no one had ever been laid.
42 Because it was the Jewish day of Preparation and since the tomb was nearby, they laid Jesus there.
Joseph was described as a secret follower and Nicodemus, who visited Jesus under cover of darkness were not two stalwart disciples -- neither one proclaimed him or stood up for him while he was alive. Yet they were there at the end when his number one man had denied him, another had betrayed him and he was hanging lifeless on a criminal's cross.
Joseph and Nicodemus.
In the Gospel of Matthew, we learn that Joseph gave his own tomb for Jesus' body -- so that it wouldn't go the way of the remains of common criminals.
Who were these two? I heard Sam Ericsson once say that they were both lawyers -- or at least teacher of the law -- which seems consistent with their few mentions in the scriptures. It's a small point of professional pride.
Neither one gets more than a handful of mentions in the Scriptures, yet they were there at the end.
Tuesday, April 08, 2003
Bishopric. According to The Daily Telegraph a minister who left his wife and children and took up with a lover "emerged yesterday as the favourite to become . . . bishop" of the Diocese of New Hampshire. This would normally be outrageous, but I guess in this instance it's okay since the Rev. Gene Robinson, 55, is openly gay and his lover is his male partner.
Reading the materials on the five candidates, it actually appears that Robinson might be the theological moderate of the group -- the group is all very far left of center, without a doubt. Also, I should note that Rev. Ruth Lawson Kirk is exceptionally beautiful -- I'm going to be "lookist" (or anti-lookist, I guess), but I don't think a Bishop should be so beautiful.
Reading the materials on the five candidates, it actually appears that Robinson might be the theological moderate of the group -- the group is all very far left of center, without a doubt. Also, I should note that Rev. Ruth Lawson Kirk is exceptionally beautiful -- I'm going to be "lookist" (or anti-lookist, I guess), but I don't think a Bishop should be so beautiful.
Cross Burning. So what happened? Who won? Who lost?
I characterized the decision as striking "down a Virginia law which declared the burning of a cross a crime." Yet, the Washington Times reports "Court upholds Virginia's ban on cross burning." Both are wrong, both are right. The WaPo headline writer has it closer to what happened: "State Bans on Cross Burning Upheld; High Court Affirms Parts of Va. Law but Strikes Down Others"
As I indicated below, I agree with Justice Thomas on this one -- he cast his vote as a dissent, meaning he lost. He would've affirmed the lower courts convictions as would I. Accordingly it's a loss for Virginia law and for a Virginia Law.
The best simple explanation of the Court's decision is by Eugene Volokh here but the best overall explanation is here by Howard Bashman.
A big winner has to be Kyle Still who predicted here the outcome and the rationale.
I characterized the decision as striking "down a Virginia law which declared the burning of a cross a crime." Yet, the Washington Times reports "Court upholds Virginia's ban on cross burning." Both are wrong, both are right. The WaPo headline writer has it closer to what happened: "State Bans on Cross Burning Upheld; High Court Affirms Parts of Va. Law but Strikes Down Others"
As I indicated below, I agree with Justice Thomas on this one -- he cast his vote as a dissent, meaning he lost. He would've affirmed the lower courts convictions as would I. Accordingly it's a loss for Virginia law and for a Virginia Law.
The best simple explanation of the Court's decision is by Eugene Volokh here but the best overall explanation is here by Howard Bashman.
A big winner has to be Kyle Still who predicted here the outcome and the rationale.
Art News. According to London Newspapers Cornelia Parker's reworking of Auguste Rodin's The Kiss was "vandalized" last weekend. To refresh your recollection, Ms. Parker wrapped the original sculpture in a mile long length of string and called this her work of art. (Picture at right)
Personally, I think Parker committed the act of vandalism and the man who cut the string is nothing more than a perfomance artist. Call it The Liberation of The Kiss. It's too bad the folks in England missed this performance and are, instead acting in a truly fascist fashion.
I guess it depends on who's ox is gored.
More. It appears that the fascists in England have undone this brilliant performance art -- vandals!
War Jokes. I think one of the better ways to remember the events surrounding this war might be through Jay Leno's monologues. Accordingly, here are some of his lines, in chronological order.
Monday Night March 24
Last night I thought I was watching the war coverage and I see this convoy of 100 Humvees coming down the street and then I realize, it’s just celebrities going to the Oscars.
A very dramatic moment last night when documentary film producer Michael Moore stunned Hollywood and the world when he wore a suit. I didn’t know he had a suit!
Do you know about this? When you get an Oscar, I believe you have to give it back so they can inscribe your name on it. They give it to you, then they take it back and then they return it to you. At least that’s what they told Michael Moore.
You think right about now Saddam Hussein is suffering from Iraqtile dysfunction? His army is not performing. Very serious problem in Iraq.
The good news – not only do we have the Iraqis on the run, but late today, two of the Dixie Chicks surrendered.
Tuesday Night March 25
Iraqi TV has managed to stay on the air despite having virtually no resources left and no programs to put on. Kind of like ABC.
A fierce sandstorm hit Iraq today. Visibility was reduced to less than 50 feet. Or, as we call that in L.A., "Clear skies."
A new category was introduced at the Oscars this year: Best Non-supporting Director. It went to Michael Moore.
As you know, Michael, who won an Oscar for best documentary, then made some anti-war statements during his acceptance speech and got booed. He was really mad when he was giving that speech. I haven't seen him that angry since he was charged for two seats on a Southwest airplane flight.
In London, you know who's launching a music career? Osama bin Laden's niece. I guess the Dixie Chicks have an opening act now.
Wednesday Night March 26
President Bush is asking Congress for $75 billion to fight the war – and that’s just for gas money.
There are now reports that Saddam Hussein was injured in the initial U.S. bombing and he’s now receiving medical care in an underground bunker. In fact, he asked his doctors if he was going to live and they told him, "Oh yeah, absolutely, you’ll live – until the Americans get here ... then you’re screwed!"
The man who built Saddam Hussein’s bunker, I think he’s German, said today that it’s impossible to destroy. Well, of course the builder is going to say that. All contractors say that. "This bunker will withstand anything. And once we get some aluminum siding ... that patio deck will last the rest of your life."
Have you noticed lately there are a lot of retired military officers giving their analysis on all the TV shows? The bigger the network, the bigger the analyst. Like NBC news has General Norman Schwarzkopf, CBS has General Terry Smith. I feel bad for some of the smaller stations like Channel 11 here in L.A. they have Colonel Clink.
The Food Channel has Cap’n Crunch and Colonel Sanders.
In Baghdad, they don’t even need TV. They just look out the window. It’s like CNN 3-D.
Well, let’s see what’s happening with Michael Moore. Or, as he’s also known – the 4th Dixie Chick.
Today Michael Moore made another impassioned anti-war speech – he went on and on. Then finally the woman at the McDonald’s drive-thru took the mic back and said, "You want your Big Mac combo or not? Make up your mind!"
Thursday Night March 27
Today President Bush said we would stay in Iraq for as long as it takes. It’s the same policy he had in high school.
Bush has promised to rebuild Iraq after he’s done destroying the country. Now, if we could just get Governor Gray Davis to promise to rebuild California after he’s done destroying it, that would be terrific!
Friday Night March 28
Let’s see what the latest on the war is. They say the U.S. military has been bombing Iraqi positions in south central Baghdad. Boy, you thought things were rough in south central L.A.! What the hell is south central Baghdad like? That’s a tough neighborhood.
Today stealth bombers dropped two of those huge satellite-guided bunker buster bombs – 4,700 pounds each. They were called Anna and Nicole.
President Bush said today the war is not about timetables. It’s about winning. Hey, it worked in Florida.
You know what’s amazing? People are complaining the war is taking too long. "The war effort is taking too long.” It’s a week! That’s what I love about our country. It’s okay for "American Idol” to take 10 weeks to pick a bad singer, but the war: "Hey, hey, come on!”
Here’s kind of a weird story. Way back in 1980, Saddam Hussein was given a key to the city of Detroit. Did you know that? A dignitary from Detroit traveled to Iraq and as a goodwill gesture he gave Saddam Hussein the key to the city. Of course, Saddam never actually went to Detroit. Way too dangerous. He wouldn’t do that.
Monday Night March 31
Thank you for coming out on such a warm day. Ninety degrees here in Los Angeles. People were sweating like Donald Rumsfeld trying to explain his battle plan.
Our American troops say one of the biggest problems in Iraq is trying to tell whose side some people are on. Yeah, like Peter Arnett and Geraldo Rivera.
Did you hear about this? Today NBC fired pinhead Peter Arnett. He gave an interview on Iraqi television criticizing the U.S. military and saying our battle plan was all wrong. The good news is, after he said that, today he was given an honorary Oscar.
He gave the interview on Iraq TV’s top morning show, which is hosted by Saddam’s son. It’s called "Good Day, Uday"!
I don’t think NBC should have fired Peter Arnett. To teach him a lesson they should’ve made him cover arena football.
It’s amazing, isn’t it? We have smart bombs and dumb reporters.
This week Donald Rumsfeld issued stern warnings to Iranians and Syrian people telling them not to cross the border into Iraq. We’ll be watching, don’t try to cross the border. Good luck, we can’t stop them from crossing the border in Tijuana.
On Friday, the United States bombed Saddam Hussein’s personal luxury yacht. That’s when you know Republicans are out to get you, when they blow up your yacht. There is no meaner crime!
The U.N. has decided to restart the oil for food program with Iraq. You know what you get when you combine heavy crude oil and food? Kentucky fried chicken.
Here’s a little-known fact: Do you know that in 1980 Saddam Hussein was given the key to the city by Detroit? Isn’t that amazing? The more we bomb Baghdad, the more it starts to look like Detroit.
Tuesday Night April 1
Today is April Fool's Day, the day we traditionally honor the French.
Today Dick Cheney walked into George Bush’s office, walked into the Oval Office, and said, "You want to run things for a while?” Bush said "sure” and Cheney went "April Fool's!”
The latest reports from Baghdad are saying that Saddam Hussein has been taking a lot of vitamins. B-1s, B-17s, B-52s ...
On Saturday a British ship arrived with food and medical supplies. Well sure, anytime you’re eating British food you’re gonna need medical supplies.
Wednesday Night April 2
Here’s some good news – things seem to be going a little better in the war effort. It was reported today Americans now control 40 percent of Iraq, which is pretty amazing when you consider Americans don’t even control 40 percent of L.A.
Yesterday Saddam Hussein told his troops that victory is at hand. Americans are on the run and Iraq will win the war. Then he said, "April Fool's!”
And today Saddam Hussein issued his second statement to the Iraqi soldiers. He said, "Run!”
The Pentagon says the Iraqi military is having a tough time trying to figure out where we’re going to attack next - you know, since we pulled Geraldo off the air.
They said today one of the few places left with working phones in Baghdad was the Palestine Hotel. If you’ve never been to Baghdad, the Palestine Hotel is just a stone’s throw from the Israeli Hotel.
On Monday, former President George Bush threw out the first pitch at the Cincinnati Reds game. Now al-Jazeera network is reporting that the ball missed the catcher, killed five Iraqi civilians and destroyed a baby milk factory.
Former NBC correspondent Peter Arnett, with the bad comb-over, was fired by NBC after giving an interview to Iraqi state TV. Even Tom Arnold turned down a pilot for Iraqi television.
Thursday Night April 3
Today U.S. forces attacked Saddam International Airport. How does fighting work at the airport? Do you have to show up two hours early for that?
Do the troops have to check their weapons in the metal detectors?
We had another war-related casualty today. France hit the ground when they tried jumping on our bandwagon.
Saddam Hussein released a statement that says he has no fear of the U.S. Army. Well, of course not – he’s dead!
I saw something sad today. I went by Circuit City and I saw Geraldo standing next to some TVs showing Iraq and he was pretending to be reporting.
Anyone else notice that we really started to win the war after Geraldo left?
And last night our friend Bill O’Reilly defended his Fox co-worker by saying that the information that Geraldo gave out was already known and had been released. Yeah, by Peter Arnett!
Friday Night April 4
Welcome to "The Tonight Show.” I’m Jay Leno’s double. Jay’s in his bunker, 60 feet below the Earth.
I had something strange happen to me yesterday, I’m coming to work, i turn on the radio in the morning, the war is going badly, we weren’t in control, the enemy was escaping and the people of Iraq hated us. Then, I’m driving home, we’re winning every battle, racing toward Baghdad, cheered on by Iraqi people, and then I realized: On the way in I was listening to National Public Radio when I commuted to work. And on the way home, I was listening to Fox News.
The bad news is it looks like Saddam Hussein is still alive. The good news: We still get to kill him.
I thought this was nice – on the video today, Saddam Hussein thanked Peter Arnett for filling in for him. Very nice of him.
I guess our forces seized Saddam international airport. Troops got in in less than three hours. Three hours?! That’s better than LAX.
By the weekend, it looks like Baghdad is about to fall, and we will soon control the entire city. So you know what that means? Sell the electric cars, get an SUV, Lincoln navigators for everybody. Free gas!
The electricity is out in Baghdad. So apparently they must have PG&E there too.
You know where Saddam Hussein’s palace is? It’s located on Saddam Hussein Boulevard right next to the Saddam Hussein soccer field, which is next to the Saddam Hussein airport. This guy names everything after himself; he’s like Donald trump with better hair.
Donald Rumsfeld now admits the war plan has taken a little longer than expected. He said, for one thing, they wanted to throw Geraldo out in the first week.
Monday Night April 7
As you know we all lost an hour over the weekend, which is nothing compared to Saddam Hussein. He lost an airport, a couple of cities, a few tanks…
As you know our forces have taken Saddam Hussein International Airport and renamed it Baghdad International Airport. Is the right name? Shouldn’t we have called it something more appropriate like the no thanks to France or Germany International Airport?
Even though the airport has only been under U.S. control for a couple days you can already see the American influence: all the airlines are broke, the food sucks, the luggage is lost, and all the pilots are drunk already!
Since we now control it, it’s now the only airport in the world where the cab drivers actually speak English.
Not going too good for Saddam Hussein. He was on TV yesterday, and tomorrow I understand he’s going to be on an episode of "Crossing Over”.
Over the weekend U.S. troops found a huge cache of weapons at a high school in Baghdad. You know what that means. Their high school students are just like our high school students.
What do the Iraqi Republican Guard and the Los Angeles Clippers have in common. Neither one will be around for the playoffs.
The Pentagon said today Geraldo Rivera can go back into Iraq. Apparently we must be running out of people to shoot at.
Tuesday Night April 8
Over the weekend I thought I was watching war footage. A bunch of men in uniform were waving white flags and surrendering - it was the Detroit Tigers.
It doesn’t look good for Saddam and his sons. Yesterday we bombed the Baghdad restaurant where they were eating. In fact, today I went on the Internet and they were selling pieces of Uday and Qusay on eBay!
The military said we’ll be able to confirm Saddam is dead through DNA testing. We actually have a sample of his DNA. Isn’t that amazing? So apparently Monica Lewinsky is working for the CIA now.
Coalition forces may have a dozen 55-gallon drums containing chemical weapons. The information minister said: "Those are not chemical weapons. Those are peaches in light syrup."
According to the L.A. Times, the United States post office chartered two cargo jets to deliver mail to our troops in the war zone. Boy, if the Iraqis think our military is heavily armed, wait till they see our postal workers!
I’ve been watching our friend Ted Koppel, he’s covering the war in Iraq. He does a great job. Terrific reporter, Ted Koppel, but here’s my question: With that hair, does he really need the helmet?
Wednesday Night April 9
Did you see the Iraqi people dancing in the streets today? It made me realize, you know what they need more than food and medicine? Dancing lessons. They don’t know how to dance. They haven’t danced in 30 years.
Tonight President Bush warned, don’t be too gleeful, there are still pockets of resistance. Barbra Streisand, the Dixie Chicks, Susan Sarandon …
Of course the other big news: We don’t know if Saddam Hussein is dead, or just not dead yet.
Reports are coming in now that Saddam Hussein has been spotted in central Baghdad. Parts of him were also spotted in northern Baghdad, western Baghdad and eastern Baghdad.
You know that story by now. The U.S. military bombed a restaurant where they thought Saddam Hussein was eating. Well, actually, the military heard it was either Saddam Hussein or Geraldo. So they figured either way they’d make their move.
They dropped four 2,000-pound bombs on the place. Actually, we may have killed two birds with one stone. It turns out it was also karaoke night.
We have now captured all of Saddam Hussein’s palaces and residences; he has no place to live! If he thinks Bush was hard on him before, wait till Saddam sees how Republicans treat the homeless!
Some Iraqis are looting the presidential palaces, taking stationary, ashtrays, pillows, even a grand piano. Reporters say they haven’t seen looting like this since Clinton’s last days in the white house.
Thursday Night April 10
How many have filed their taxes already? You know, President Bush still hasn’t filed his taxes. Not because he’s been too busy. He’s just waiting to see if he can write off Saddam Hussein as a total loss.
In the paper today, they said there’s going to be a big meeting this week to discuss postwar Iraq with the leaders of France, Germany and Russia. Or, as they’re also known, the "axis of envy."
It’s very exciting watching this footage from Baghdad, isn’t it? You know, to see Saddam Hussein kicked out of office, driven from office … it’s the same feeling people had when Kathie lee got knocked off Regis.
Of course, people are looking for clues if Saddam Hussein is alive or not. He hasn’t appeared on TV now in a number of days. Of course, for celebrities here in Hollywood, that’s a fate worse than death. Jesse Jackson is going, "Not on TV for three days … he must be dead!”
Did you see the Iraqi people tear down that statue of Saddam? Hard to believe he won 100 percent of the vote in the last election. Voters are so fickle, aren’t they? One day they love you, the next day, oh boy ...
Kev, you know the last thing that Saddam said to his sons? "I told you we should have used the drive-thru.”
Friday Night April 11
Before we get started, I’d like to welcome all the Iraqi people who are watching the show on brand new TV sets they just stole.
We’ve entered a new phase of the war: We’ve gone from "shock and awe" to "loot and scoot."
As you know, a tremendous amount of looting is going on in Iraq right now. Believe me, that’s nothing – wait till the oil companies get there.
People are stealing everything. After they knocked down the giant statue of Saddam Hussein, they showed that one guy hauling away the giant broken head. What are you going to do with that? That’s so typical of a guy. Guys will take anything that’s free and think, "Hey, this will go great in the house!” You could offer a guy a Rembrandt for 200 bucks, they’re going, "Where would I put it? It doesn’t go with anything in the house.” You give the guy a free giant broken Saddam head for free and they’re thinking, "I can put a beer on it, it looks great.”
Here’s something I thought was really nice – President Bush saw to it today that all the celebrating Iraqis were all given absentee ballots for the next presidential election in Florida.
U.N. Secretary-General Annan said today he thinks the arms inspectors should resume looking for weapons in Iraq. Forget looking for arms in Iraq – how about looking for are backbones in the U.N.?
Monday Night April 14
This is like holy week, isn’t it? We had Palm Sunday, it’s also Passover, this week is also Easter. You know, between the rescue of our POWs and the Tigers winning a game – this is truly the week of miracles.
I had a pretty good day today. I bought four chairs and a table on eBay from some guy in Baghdad – 12 bucks. Beautiful dinette set, fabulous!
Today President Bush announced that all this time he’s been misprouncing the word "Iraq." He said it’s actually pronounced "Syria."
The leaders of Russia, France and Germany – or, as I call them, the "axis of envy” – gathered for a summit on what their part in the rebuilding of Iraq should be. You know something? I think France should participate in rebuilding Iraq. When it comes to having experience about what to do after losing a war, nobody does it better than the French.
The Canadian prime minister has ordered the Canadian navy not to capture any of Saddam’s henchmen if they try to flee Iraq by sea. The Pentagon is stunned by this. They had no idea Canada had a navy.
Today President Bush said that Slovakia has already offered its help in demining Iraq. Listen to this: Exxon and Mobil have offered their help in de-oiling Iraq.
Tuesday Night April 15
Today was tax day, of course, the one day every American wishes they were an illegal alien.
Technically, you’re not paying taxes. According to the Bush administration, your bank account is being liberated.
Let’s see what’s happening in Iraq - or, as the pentagon is now calling it, Gateway to Syria.
Whoever is in charge of rebuilding Iraq, here’s what they should do – put all the furniture into the rooms first. Then make all the doorways smaller than the average couch. This way, next time the looters won’t be able to get the stuff out.
For the first weeks of the war the ratings at cable news stations were way up. But they’ve fallen in the past couple of weeks. You know why? Most of those early viewers were Iraqi soldiers tuning in to Geraldo to find out where the Marines were.
CNN reports that when they broke into Uday Hussein’s palace they found pornography, Cuban cigars and pictures of President Bush’s twin daughters. I’m sorry – that was Bill Clinton’s apartment.
Wednesday Night April 16
Well it’s looks like the war is over. That’s a good sign. According to the latest poll just out today, 71% of the American people approve of president bush. Bush is very, very happy. Of course he’s happy. It only took 49% of the vote to win the election. This gives him a tremendous cushion.
Now that the war in Iraq is over, a lot of people want President Bush to focus on economy. You know who really wants Bush to focus on the economy? Syria.
I tell you something, a lot of people are afraid we are going to go to war with Syria. But you have to understand, Syria is not Iraq. It is less dangerous, it’s less of an enemy, it has less of an army, and it has less oil.
American officials have accused Syria of possessing chemical weapons. And today Hans Blix, U.N. weapons inspector offered to spend the next three months not finding any of their chemicals weapons too.
Today the Iraqis sat down for talks on how to put together a post war government. They would have sat down yesterday, but somebody stole all the couches. They had to stand around and mingle really.
Now there are reports from Baghdad that officials are taking bribes for favors, giving jobs to their relatives, taking money under that table for contractors. You know what that means? This war is less than a month old, already they have an American style democracy.
I guess you know all of Iraq’s oil fields are under U.S. control. Which is kind of ironic since all the gas stations here are run by Middle Easterners.
Today the homeland security code was lowered except here in Los Angeles where it was raised to code red. Nothing to do with the Middle East, just Rodney King out driving again.
Our old friend Rodney King was driving 100 mph the other night in his SUV, hit a telephone pole, bounced off a tree, smashed through a fence, slammed into a house. Nice to see after all these years Rodney’s still got it. Hasn’t lost his touch.
Monday Night March 24
Last night I thought I was watching the war coverage and I see this convoy of 100 Humvees coming down the street and then I realize, it’s just celebrities going to the Oscars.
A very dramatic moment last night when documentary film producer Michael Moore stunned Hollywood and the world when he wore a suit. I didn’t know he had a suit!
Do you know about this? When you get an Oscar, I believe you have to give it back so they can inscribe your name on it. They give it to you, then they take it back and then they return it to you. At least that’s what they told Michael Moore.
You think right about now Saddam Hussein is suffering from Iraqtile dysfunction? His army is not performing. Very serious problem in Iraq.
The good news – not only do we have the Iraqis on the run, but late today, two of the Dixie Chicks surrendered.
Tuesday Night March 25
Iraqi TV has managed to stay on the air despite having virtually no resources left and no programs to put on. Kind of like ABC.
A fierce sandstorm hit Iraq today. Visibility was reduced to less than 50 feet. Or, as we call that in L.A., "Clear skies."
A new category was introduced at the Oscars this year: Best Non-supporting Director. It went to Michael Moore.
As you know, Michael, who won an Oscar for best documentary, then made some anti-war statements during his acceptance speech and got booed. He was really mad when he was giving that speech. I haven't seen him that angry since he was charged for two seats on a Southwest airplane flight.
In London, you know who's launching a music career? Osama bin Laden's niece. I guess the Dixie Chicks have an opening act now.
Wednesday Night March 26
President Bush is asking Congress for $75 billion to fight the war – and that’s just for gas money.
There are now reports that Saddam Hussein was injured in the initial U.S. bombing and he’s now receiving medical care in an underground bunker. In fact, he asked his doctors if he was going to live and they told him, "Oh yeah, absolutely, you’ll live – until the Americans get here ... then you’re screwed!"
The man who built Saddam Hussein’s bunker, I think he’s German, said today that it’s impossible to destroy. Well, of course the builder is going to say that. All contractors say that. "This bunker will withstand anything. And once we get some aluminum siding ... that patio deck will last the rest of your life."
Have you noticed lately there are a lot of retired military officers giving their analysis on all the TV shows? The bigger the network, the bigger the analyst. Like NBC news has General Norman Schwarzkopf, CBS has General Terry Smith. I feel bad for some of the smaller stations like Channel 11 here in L.A. they have Colonel Clink.
The Food Channel has Cap’n Crunch and Colonel Sanders.
In Baghdad, they don’t even need TV. They just look out the window. It’s like CNN 3-D.
Well, let’s see what’s happening with Michael Moore. Or, as he’s also known – the 4th Dixie Chick.
Today Michael Moore made another impassioned anti-war speech – he went on and on. Then finally the woman at the McDonald’s drive-thru took the mic back and said, "You want your Big Mac combo or not? Make up your mind!"
Thursday Night March 27
Today President Bush said we would stay in Iraq for as long as it takes. It’s the same policy he had in high school.
Bush has promised to rebuild Iraq after he’s done destroying the country. Now, if we could just get Governor Gray Davis to promise to rebuild California after he’s done destroying it, that would be terrific!
Friday Night March 28
Let’s see what the latest on the war is. They say the U.S. military has been bombing Iraqi positions in south central Baghdad. Boy, you thought things were rough in south central L.A.! What the hell is south central Baghdad like? That’s a tough neighborhood.
Today stealth bombers dropped two of those huge satellite-guided bunker buster bombs – 4,700 pounds each. They were called Anna and Nicole.
President Bush said today the war is not about timetables. It’s about winning. Hey, it worked in Florida.
You know what’s amazing? People are complaining the war is taking too long. "The war effort is taking too long.” It’s a week! That’s what I love about our country. It’s okay for "American Idol” to take 10 weeks to pick a bad singer, but the war: "Hey, hey, come on!”
Here’s kind of a weird story. Way back in 1980, Saddam Hussein was given a key to the city of Detroit. Did you know that? A dignitary from Detroit traveled to Iraq and as a goodwill gesture he gave Saddam Hussein the key to the city. Of course, Saddam never actually went to Detroit. Way too dangerous. He wouldn’t do that.
Monday Night March 31
Thank you for coming out on such a warm day. Ninety degrees here in Los Angeles. People were sweating like Donald Rumsfeld trying to explain his battle plan.
Our American troops say one of the biggest problems in Iraq is trying to tell whose side some people are on. Yeah, like Peter Arnett and Geraldo Rivera.
Did you hear about this? Today NBC fired pinhead Peter Arnett. He gave an interview on Iraqi television criticizing the U.S. military and saying our battle plan was all wrong. The good news is, after he said that, today he was given an honorary Oscar.
He gave the interview on Iraq TV’s top morning show, which is hosted by Saddam’s son. It’s called "Good Day, Uday"!
I don’t think NBC should have fired Peter Arnett. To teach him a lesson they should’ve made him cover arena football.
It’s amazing, isn’t it? We have smart bombs and dumb reporters.
This week Donald Rumsfeld issued stern warnings to Iranians and Syrian people telling them not to cross the border into Iraq. We’ll be watching, don’t try to cross the border. Good luck, we can’t stop them from crossing the border in Tijuana.
On Friday, the United States bombed Saddam Hussein’s personal luxury yacht. That’s when you know Republicans are out to get you, when they blow up your yacht. There is no meaner crime!
The U.N. has decided to restart the oil for food program with Iraq. You know what you get when you combine heavy crude oil and food? Kentucky fried chicken.
Here’s a little-known fact: Do you know that in 1980 Saddam Hussein was given the key to the city by Detroit? Isn’t that amazing? The more we bomb Baghdad, the more it starts to look like Detroit.
Tuesday Night April 1
Today is April Fool's Day, the day we traditionally honor the French.
Today Dick Cheney walked into George Bush’s office, walked into the Oval Office, and said, "You want to run things for a while?” Bush said "sure” and Cheney went "April Fool's!”
The latest reports from Baghdad are saying that Saddam Hussein has been taking a lot of vitamins. B-1s, B-17s, B-52s ...
On Saturday a British ship arrived with food and medical supplies. Well sure, anytime you’re eating British food you’re gonna need medical supplies.
Wednesday Night April 2
Here’s some good news – things seem to be going a little better in the war effort. It was reported today Americans now control 40 percent of Iraq, which is pretty amazing when you consider Americans don’t even control 40 percent of L.A.
Yesterday Saddam Hussein told his troops that victory is at hand. Americans are on the run and Iraq will win the war. Then he said, "April Fool's!”
And today Saddam Hussein issued his second statement to the Iraqi soldiers. He said, "Run!”
The Pentagon says the Iraqi military is having a tough time trying to figure out where we’re going to attack next - you know, since we pulled Geraldo off the air.
They said today one of the few places left with working phones in Baghdad was the Palestine Hotel. If you’ve never been to Baghdad, the Palestine Hotel is just a stone’s throw from the Israeli Hotel.
On Monday, former President George Bush threw out the first pitch at the Cincinnati Reds game. Now al-Jazeera network is reporting that the ball missed the catcher, killed five Iraqi civilians and destroyed a baby milk factory.
Former NBC correspondent Peter Arnett, with the bad comb-over, was fired by NBC after giving an interview to Iraqi state TV. Even Tom Arnold turned down a pilot for Iraqi television.
Thursday Night April 3
Today U.S. forces attacked Saddam International Airport. How does fighting work at the airport? Do you have to show up two hours early for that?
Do the troops have to check their weapons in the metal detectors?
We had another war-related casualty today. France hit the ground when they tried jumping on our bandwagon.
Saddam Hussein released a statement that says he has no fear of the U.S. Army. Well, of course not – he’s dead!
I saw something sad today. I went by Circuit City and I saw Geraldo standing next to some TVs showing Iraq and he was pretending to be reporting.
Anyone else notice that we really started to win the war after Geraldo left?
And last night our friend Bill O’Reilly defended his Fox co-worker by saying that the information that Geraldo gave out was already known and had been released. Yeah, by Peter Arnett!
Friday Night April 4
Welcome to "The Tonight Show.” I’m Jay Leno’s double. Jay’s in his bunker, 60 feet below the Earth.
I had something strange happen to me yesterday, I’m coming to work, i turn on the radio in the morning, the war is going badly, we weren’t in control, the enemy was escaping and the people of Iraq hated us. Then, I’m driving home, we’re winning every battle, racing toward Baghdad, cheered on by Iraqi people, and then I realized: On the way in I was listening to National Public Radio when I commuted to work. And on the way home, I was listening to Fox News.
The bad news is it looks like Saddam Hussein is still alive. The good news: We still get to kill him.
I thought this was nice – on the video today, Saddam Hussein thanked Peter Arnett for filling in for him. Very nice of him.
I guess our forces seized Saddam international airport. Troops got in in less than three hours. Three hours?! That’s better than LAX.
By the weekend, it looks like Baghdad is about to fall, and we will soon control the entire city. So you know what that means? Sell the electric cars, get an SUV, Lincoln navigators for everybody. Free gas!
The electricity is out in Baghdad. So apparently they must have PG&E there too.
You know where Saddam Hussein’s palace is? It’s located on Saddam Hussein Boulevard right next to the Saddam Hussein soccer field, which is next to the Saddam Hussein airport. This guy names everything after himself; he’s like Donald trump with better hair.
Donald Rumsfeld now admits the war plan has taken a little longer than expected. He said, for one thing, they wanted to throw Geraldo out in the first week.
Monday Night April 7
As you know we all lost an hour over the weekend, which is nothing compared to Saddam Hussein. He lost an airport, a couple of cities, a few tanks…
As you know our forces have taken Saddam Hussein International Airport and renamed it Baghdad International Airport. Is the right name? Shouldn’t we have called it something more appropriate like the no thanks to France or Germany International Airport?
Even though the airport has only been under U.S. control for a couple days you can already see the American influence: all the airlines are broke, the food sucks, the luggage is lost, and all the pilots are drunk already!
Since we now control it, it’s now the only airport in the world where the cab drivers actually speak English.
Not going too good for Saddam Hussein. He was on TV yesterday, and tomorrow I understand he’s going to be on an episode of "Crossing Over”.
Over the weekend U.S. troops found a huge cache of weapons at a high school in Baghdad. You know what that means. Their high school students are just like our high school students.
What do the Iraqi Republican Guard and the Los Angeles Clippers have in common. Neither one will be around for the playoffs.
The Pentagon said today Geraldo Rivera can go back into Iraq. Apparently we must be running out of people to shoot at.
Tuesday Night April 8
Over the weekend I thought I was watching war footage. A bunch of men in uniform were waving white flags and surrendering - it was the Detroit Tigers.
It doesn’t look good for Saddam and his sons. Yesterday we bombed the Baghdad restaurant where they were eating. In fact, today I went on the Internet and they were selling pieces of Uday and Qusay on eBay!
The military said we’ll be able to confirm Saddam is dead through DNA testing. We actually have a sample of his DNA. Isn’t that amazing? So apparently Monica Lewinsky is working for the CIA now.
Coalition forces may have a dozen 55-gallon drums containing chemical weapons. The information minister said: "Those are not chemical weapons. Those are peaches in light syrup."
According to the L.A. Times, the United States post office chartered two cargo jets to deliver mail to our troops in the war zone. Boy, if the Iraqis think our military is heavily armed, wait till they see our postal workers!
I’ve been watching our friend Ted Koppel, he’s covering the war in Iraq. He does a great job. Terrific reporter, Ted Koppel, but here’s my question: With that hair, does he really need the helmet?
Wednesday Night April 9
Did you see the Iraqi people dancing in the streets today? It made me realize, you know what they need more than food and medicine? Dancing lessons. They don’t know how to dance. They haven’t danced in 30 years.
Tonight President Bush warned, don’t be too gleeful, there are still pockets of resistance. Barbra Streisand, the Dixie Chicks, Susan Sarandon …
Of course the other big news: We don’t know if Saddam Hussein is dead, or just not dead yet.
Reports are coming in now that Saddam Hussein has been spotted in central Baghdad. Parts of him were also spotted in northern Baghdad, western Baghdad and eastern Baghdad.
You know that story by now. The U.S. military bombed a restaurant where they thought Saddam Hussein was eating. Well, actually, the military heard it was either Saddam Hussein or Geraldo. So they figured either way they’d make their move.
They dropped four 2,000-pound bombs on the place. Actually, we may have killed two birds with one stone. It turns out it was also karaoke night.
We have now captured all of Saddam Hussein’s palaces and residences; he has no place to live! If he thinks Bush was hard on him before, wait till Saddam sees how Republicans treat the homeless!
Some Iraqis are looting the presidential palaces, taking stationary, ashtrays, pillows, even a grand piano. Reporters say they haven’t seen looting like this since Clinton’s last days in the white house.
Thursday Night April 10
How many have filed their taxes already? You know, President Bush still hasn’t filed his taxes. Not because he’s been too busy. He’s just waiting to see if he can write off Saddam Hussein as a total loss.
In the paper today, they said there’s going to be a big meeting this week to discuss postwar Iraq with the leaders of France, Germany and Russia. Or, as they’re also known, the "axis of envy."
It’s very exciting watching this footage from Baghdad, isn’t it? You know, to see Saddam Hussein kicked out of office, driven from office … it’s the same feeling people had when Kathie lee got knocked off Regis.
Of course, people are looking for clues if Saddam Hussein is alive or not. He hasn’t appeared on TV now in a number of days. Of course, for celebrities here in Hollywood, that’s a fate worse than death. Jesse Jackson is going, "Not on TV for three days … he must be dead!”
Did you see the Iraqi people tear down that statue of Saddam? Hard to believe he won 100 percent of the vote in the last election. Voters are so fickle, aren’t they? One day they love you, the next day, oh boy ...
Kev, you know the last thing that Saddam said to his sons? "I told you we should have used the drive-thru.”
Friday Night April 11
Before we get started, I’d like to welcome all the Iraqi people who are watching the show on brand new TV sets they just stole.
We’ve entered a new phase of the war: We’ve gone from "shock and awe" to "loot and scoot."
As you know, a tremendous amount of looting is going on in Iraq right now. Believe me, that’s nothing – wait till the oil companies get there.
People are stealing everything. After they knocked down the giant statue of Saddam Hussein, they showed that one guy hauling away the giant broken head. What are you going to do with that? That’s so typical of a guy. Guys will take anything that’s free and think, "Hey, this will go great in the house!” You could offer a guy a Rembrandt for 200 bucks, they’re going, "Where would I put it? It doesn’t go with anything in the house.” You give the guy a free giant broken Saddam head for free and they’re thinking, "I can put a beer on it, it looks great.”
Here’s something I thought was really nice – President Bush saw to it today that all the celebrating Iraqis were all given absentee ballots for the next presidential election in Florida.
U.N. Secretary-General Annan said today he thinks the arms inspectors should resume looking for weapons in Iraq. Forget looking for arms in Iraq – how about looking for are backbones in the U.N.?
Monday Night April 14
This is like holy week, isn’t it? We had Palm Sunday, it’s also Passover, this week is also Easter. You know, between the rescue of our POWs and the Tigers winning a game – this is truly the week of miracles.
I had a pretty good day today. I bought four chairs and a table on eBay from some guy in Baghdad – 12 bucks. Beautiful dinette set, fabulous!
Today President Bush announced that all this time he’s been misprouncing the word "Iraq." He said it’s actually pronounced "Syria."
The leaders of Russia, France and Germany – or, as I call them, the "axis of envy” – gathered for a summit on what their part in the rebuilding of Iraq should be. You know something? I think France should participate in rebuilding Iraq. When it comes to having experience about what to do after losing a war, nobody does it better than the French.
The Canadian prime minister has ordered the Canadian navy not to capture any of Saddam’s henchmen if they try to flee Iraq by sea. The Pentagon is stunned by this. They had no idea Canada had a navy.
Today President Bush said that Slovakia has already offered its help in demining Iraq. Listen to this: Exxon and Mobil have offered their help in de-oiling Iraq.
Tuesday Night April 15
Today was tax day, of course, the one day every American wishes they were an illegal alien.
Technically, you’re not paying taxes. According to the Bush administration, your bank account is being liberated.
Let’s see what’s happening in Iraq - or, as the pentagon is now calling it, Gateway to Syria.
Whoever is in charge of rebuilding Iraq, here’s what they should do – put all the furniture into the rooms first. Then make all the doorways smaller than the average couch. This way, next time the looters won’t be able to get the stuff out.
For the first weeks of the war the ratings at cable news stations were way up. But they’ve fallen in the past couple of weeks. You know why? Most of those early viewers were Iraqi soldiers tuning in to Geraldo to find out where the Marines were.
CNN reports that when they broke into Uday Hussein’s palace they found pornography, Cuban cigars and pictures of President Bush’s twin daughters. I’m sorry – that was Bill Clinton’s apartment.
Wednesday Night April 16
Well it’s looks like the war is over. That’s a good sign. According to the latest poll just out today, 71% of the American people approve of president bush. Bush is very, very happy. Of course he’s happy. It only took 49% of the vote to win the election. This gives him a tremendous cushion.
Now that the war in Iraq is over, a lot of people want President Bush to focus on economy. You know who really wants Bush to focus on the economy? Syria.
I tell you something, a lot of people are afraid we are going to go to war with Syria. But you have to understand, Syria is not Iraq. It is less dangerous, it’s less of an enemy, it has less of an army, and it has less oil.
American officials have accused Syria of possessing chemical weapons. And today Hans Blix, U.N. weapons inspector offered to spend the next three months not finding any of their chemicals weapons too.
Today the Iraqis sat down for talks on how to put together a post war government. They would have sat down yesterday, but somebody stole all the couches. They had to stand around and mingle really.
Now there are reports from Baghdad that officials are taking bribes for favors, giving jobs to their relatives, taking money under that table for contractors. You know what that means? This war is less than a month old, already they have an American style democracy.
I guess you know all of Iraq’s oil fields are under U.S. control. Which is kind of ironic since all the gas stations here are run by Middle Easterners.
Today the homeland security code was lowered except here in Los Angeles where it was raised to code red. Nothing to do with the Middle East, just Rodney King out driving again.
Our old friend Rodney King was driving 100 mph the other night in his SUV, hit a telephone pole, bounced off a tree, smashed through a fence, slammed into a house. Nice to see after all these years Rodney’s still got it. Hasn’t lost his touch.
Monday, April 07, 2003
DOD rules, State Drools. Apparently, there's a lot of jockying for who's going to be running things in Iraq, after the fall. U.S, Coalition, or UN? Department of State or Department of Defense? Put me down for the DOD for two simple reasons: (1) they have a proven record (Douglas MacArthur, George Marshall [howls of protest answered below]) (2) their goal will be to get out of the business of running Iraq as soon as possible.
MacArthur gave the Japanese women's sufferage, labor unions, free press, and a pacifist constitution.
George C. Marshall was Secretary of State when he administered the Marshall Plan, but he was put in that position by President Harry S Truman when he was a general in the Army. Those who might claim this was a Department of State project would probably try to argue that Johnny Unitas was a San Diego Charger.
But more important, which agency do you think will try to get the job done the quickest and most effectively? Or put it this way, would you want your country to be run by Vince Brooks or Kofi Annan?
MacArthur gave the Japanese women's sufferage, labor unions, free press, and a pacifist constitution.
George C. Marshall was Secretary of State when he administered the Marshall Plan, but he was put in that position by President Harry S Truman when he was a general in the Army. Those who might claim this was a Department of State project would probably try to argue that Johnny Unitas was a San Diego Charger.
But more important, which agency do you think will try to get the job done the quickest and most effectively? Or put it this way, would you want your country to be run by Vince Brooks or Kofi Annan?
O'Connor the Callous Racist. The Supreme Court today struck down a Virginia law which declared the burning of a cross a crime. Sandra Day O'Connor wrote the majority/plurality opinion*. Of course the reason she voted the way she did and wrote the opinion is because she is a notorious racist appointed by the most racist President (until the current Bush), Ronald KKK Reagan.
No, I don't believe this, but that is what some would have you believe. Writing in the NYTimes yesterday, Adam Cohen states "Justice O'Connor . . . has written a number of decisions that stand out as not merely conservative, but callous." His evidence of this? "In 1988, she rejected the claim of a North Dakota child, who lived 16 miles from her school, that she had a right to ride a school bus without paying a fee that her family could not afford."
I imagine there are a number of things that put me on the road from liberalism, but this type of thinking is one of them. Yes, Justice O'Connor did write the majority opinion in Kadrmas v. Dickinson Public Schools, 487 U.S. 450, 462 (1988) which upheld a state statute allowing a school district to charge parents a transportation fee. While I disagree with O'Connor in Kadrmas (not to mention in the current cross burning case), her opinion is probably correct and consistent with Supreme Court precedents. [BTW, the record in the Kadrmas case shows that while the state was going to charge the family a total of $97 for transportation, the family opted to not use the bus and ended up incurring transportation costs of about $97.]
Just from reading this one brief essay, I can see Cohen is bright enough to understand O'Connor's opinion, yet he deliberately misconstrues it so he can paint her as "not merely conservative, but callous." Applying Cohen's logic, I could say that Tom Daschle is not merely liberal but unpatriotic. Michael Moore is not merely a Marxist but a traitor. Ted Kennedy is not merely a drunk, but a killer (well, that one is actually true).
Just because O'Connor struck down the Virginia law doesn't mean she's a racist -- she's just wrong.
I agree with the Justice Clarence Thomas dissent:
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* Yes, this was one of those famous hydra-headed opinions -- parts I, II, and III carried a majority, parts IV and V of the opinion only a plurality.
No, I don't believe this, but that is what some would have you believe. Writing in the NYTimes yesterday, Adam Cohen states "Justice O'Connor . . . has written a number of decisions that stand out as not merely conservative, but callous." His evidence of this? "In 1988, she rejected the claim of a North Dakota child, who lived 16 miles from her school, that she had a right to ride a school bus without paying a fee that her family could not afford."
I imagine there are a number of things that put me on the road from liberalism, but this type of thinking is one of them. Yes, Justice O'Connor did write the majority opinion in Kadrmas v. Dickinson Public Schools, 487 U.S. 450, 462 (1988) which upheld a state statute allowing a school district to charge parents a transportation fee. While I disagree with O'Connor in Kadrmas (not to mention in the current cross burning case), her opinion is probably correct and consistent with Supreme Court precedents. [BTW, the record in the Kadrmas case shows that while the state was going to charge the family a total of $97 for transportation, the family opted to not use the bus and ended up incurring transportation costs of about $97.]
Just from reading this one brief essay, I can see Cohen is bright enough to understand O'Connor's opinion, yet he deliberately misconstrues it so he can paint her as "not merely conservative, but callous." Applying Cohen's logic, I could say that Tom Daschle is not merely liberal but unpatriotic. Michael Moore is not merely a Marxist but a traitor. Ted Kennedy is not merely a drunk, but a killer (well, that one is actually true).
Just because O'Connor struck down the Virginia law doesn't mean she's a racist -- she's just wrong.
I agree with the Justice Clarence Thomas dissent:
In February 1952, in light of this series of cross burnings and attendant reports that the Klan, “long considered dead in Virginia, is being revitalized in Richmond,” Governor Battle announced that “Virginia ‘might well consider passing legislation’ to restrict the activities of the Ku Klux Klan.” ‘State Might Well Consider’ Restrictions on Ku Klux Klan, Governor Battle Comments, Richmond Times-Dispatch, Feb. 6, 1952, at 7. As newspapers reported at the time, the bill was “to ban the burning of crosses and other similar evidences of terrorism.” Name Rider Approved by House, Richmond News Leader, Feb. 23, 1952, at 1 (emphasis added). The bill was presented to the House of Delegates by a former FBI agent and future two-term Governor, Delegate Mills E. Godwin, Jr. “Godwin said law and order in the State were impossible if organized groups could create fear by intimidation.” Bill to Curb KKK Passed By the House, Action is Taken Without Debate, Richmond Times Dispatch, Mar. 8, 1952, at 5 (emphasis added).
That in the early 1950s the people of Virginia viewed cross burning as creating an intolerable atmosphere of terror is not surprising: Although the cross took on some religious significance in the 1920's when the Klan became connected with certain southern white clergy, by the postwar period it had reverted to its original function “as an instrument of intimidation.” W. Wade, The Fiery Cross: The Ku Klux Klan in America 185, 279 (1987).
Strengthening Delegate Godwin’s explanation, as well as my conclusion, that the legislature sought to criminalize terrorizing conduct is the fact that at the time the statute was enacted, racial segregation was not only the prevailing practice, but also the law in Virginia.2 And, just two years after the enactment of this statute, Virginia’s General Assembly embarked on a campaign of “massive resistance” in response to Brown v. Board of Education, 347 U.S. 483 (1954). See generally, Griffin v. County School Board, 377 U.S. 218, 221 (1964); Harrison v. Day, 106 S.E.2d 636 (Va. 1959) (describing “massive resistance” as legislatively mandated attempt to close public schools rather than desegregate).
It strains credulity to suggest that a state legislature that adopted a litany of segregationist laws self-contradictorily intended to squelch the segregationist message. Even for segregationists, violent and terroristic conduct, the Siamese twin of cross burning, was intolerable. The ban on cross burning with intent to intimidate demonstrates that even segregationists understood the difference between intimidating and terroristic conduct and racist expression. It is simply beyond belief that, in passing the statute now under review, the Virginia legislature was concerned with anything but penalizing conduct it must have viewed as particularly vicious.
Accordingly, this statute prohibits only conduct, not expression. And, just as one cannot burn down someone’s house to make a political point and then seek refuge in the First Amendment, those who hate cannot terrorize and intimidate to make their point. In light of my conclusion that the statute here addresses only conduct, there is no need to analyze it under any of our First Amendment tests.
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* Yes, this was one of those famous hydra-headed opinions -- parts I, II, and III carried a majority, parts IV and V of the opinion only a plurality.
Saturday, April 05, 2003
Thunder Run
The bunker door slamsThe above is, of course, cheerfully ripped off from Bruce Springsteen. I imagine I'm not the first with this idea and it's surprising how few changes were necessary....
Saddam's knees quake
Like a ghost he floats on the TV tube
As the palace roof breaks
The Fifth Corps coming for the homely
Hey that's you and I want you only
Don't turn me home again
I just can't face John Kerry again
Don't 'cha run back inside
you know just what I'm here for
You're scared and you're thinking
That maybe we ain't that young anymore
Show a little faith, there's Bradleys in the town
You ain't a beauty -- you're buried in the ground
and that's alright with me
You can hide `neath your covers
And study your pain
Make shields from the mothers
Throw children down the drain
Waste your summer praying in vain
For a savior to rise from these streets
Well now I ain't no hero
That's understood
All the redemption I can offer
Is beneath this dirty hood
With a chance to make it good somehow
Hey what else can we do now
Except blow down the window
And let this gun blow off your head
Well the night's busting open
These two planes will take ya' to the dead
We got one last chance to make it real
Ya' should'a taken the President's deal
Climb in back
Hell's waiting down the tracks
Oh oh come take my hand
Ridin' out tonight to case the promised land
Oh oh Thunder Run, oh Thunder Run
oh Thunder Run
Lying out there like a killer in the sun
Hey I know it's late we can make it if we run
Oh Thunder Run, sit tight take hold
Thunder Run
Well I got this M60
And I learned how to make her talk
And my car's out back
If you're ready to take that long walk
From your front porch to my front seat
The door's open but the ride it ain't free
heyI know you're lonely
For words that I ain't spoken
But tonight we'll be free
of all the promises that you broke
There were ghosts in the eyes
Of all the boys you sent away
They haunt this dusty desert road
In the skeleton frames of burned out Chevrolets
They scream your name at night in the street
Your statue lies in dust at their feet
And in the lonely cool before dawn
You hear their engines roaring on
But when you get to the porch they're gone
On the wind,
so Saddam climb in
It's a town full of losers
We're pulling out of here to win.
Friday, April 04, 2003
No. I am dumbstruck -- Michael Kelly is dead. It can't be. I just finished reading his letter from Kuwait City this morning and almost feel like I had been listening to him on the telephone. At the time I was thinking that he can't be in Kuwait -- he has a magazine to edit -- plus his work for the National Journal and his column. Not to mention his kids, Tom and Jack.
His own epitath?:
So, happily, it was for me. In the house where I was lucky enough to grow, the weather was always balmy, rain or shine. And life was always good, good or bad, and the children were always successes, succeed or fail. And the experiences were always marvelous.Good bye Michael -- gone way too soon.
More -- links and commentary galore by Orin Judd.
Thursday, April 03, 2003
Loser. This morning, going to work, I caught an interview on the local radio station with Congressman Dennis J. Kucinich (D-OH). Bill Press, formerly the liberal voice on Crossfire, led off with what he identified as the "French Question:" In essence he asked now that the war is underway, do you want the US or Iraq to win? Incredibly, Kucinich couldn't answer this question. The hosts were incredulous and even notorious Bush-critic Press was contemptuous of Kucinich's position. The best Kucinich could muster was that if the US wins it loses. At the conclusion of the segment Bill Press asked, isn't "Kucinich a French name?"
Running for President, Kucinich has given in to his lust for power. He sacrificed his beliefs on abortion and now he'd love to see a tyrant win.
Running for President, Kucinich has given in to his lust for power. He sacrificed his beliefs on abortion and now he'd love to see a tyrant win.
Tuesday, April 01, 2003
Poetry and Sheepdip. April, as good students of English Lit. know, is the cruelest month (annotated). On the other hand, it's National Poetry Month, not a cruel thing. Nevertheless, poets and especially anti-war poets can be cruel.
Sam Hamill was on Fresh Air yesterday and read his "anti-war" poem which was truly a parody of the idiot left:
So let me start work on my anti-anti-warriors poem:
Sam Hamill was on Fresh Air yesterday and read his "anti-war" poem which was truly a parody of the idiot left:
Sheepherder Coffee
I used to like sheepherder coffee,
a cup of grounds in my old enameled pot,
then three cups of water and a fire,
and when it's hot, boiling into froth,
a half cup of cold water
to bring the grounds to the bottom.
It was strong and bitter and good
as I squatted on the riverbank,
under the great redwoods, all those years ago.
Some days, it was nearly all I got.
I was happy with my dog,
and cases of books in my funky truck.
But when I think of that posture now,
I can't help but think
of Palestinians huddled in their ruins,
the Afghani shepherd with his bleating goats,
the widow weeping, sending off her sons,
the Tibetan monk who can't go home.
There are fewer names for coffee
than for love. Squatting, they drink,
thinking, waiting for whatever comes.
So let me start work on my anti-anti-warriors poem:
You may talk of goats and coffee
And your love of Colonel Gadhafi
And think about your books and funky trucks
But when it comes to human shields
And covering up death yields,
No one’s like the antiwar poet schmuks
In Saddam’s country side
Plenty of crimes they do hide
Atrocities like burning, torture, murder, and rape
But we could count on one man
To inflame the antiwar fans
And ignore the plain truth on videotape
It was Sam! Sam! Sam!
You brave, fearless poet Hamill Sam!
(Weapons of Mass Destruction
Torture chambers under construction)
Give Bush hell, Poet Sam
[more to follow?]
Friday, March 28, 2003
Sarah. Here's a painting of my second daughter Sarah at Corolla Beach in North Carolina:
Courtesey of Karichele Realty. I'm deep linking to them, because if you are looking for a great beach vacation, I'd strongly recommend them.
Courtesey of Karichele Realty. I'm deep linking to them, because if you are looking for a great beach vacation, I'd strongly recommend them.
Wednesday, March 26, 2003
R.I.P. Former Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan.
More. Interestingly, the NY Times didn't mention this on the front page today, while the WaPo did. No links to the NYT today. George Will's comments.
Still More. From Mickey Kaus.
More. Interestingly, the NY Times didn't mention this on the front page today, while the WaPo did. No links to the NYT today. George Will's comments.
Still More. From Mickey Kaus.
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